Thursday, December 10, 2009
Six feelings I've been feeling a lot lately. Or, a post about my sexy new biceps.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Onehelluvayear
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Ode to my bestie.
I've tried to write this post a thousand and one times. And every time, it doesn't measure up. Still, this one doesn't. But here goes anyway...
During Summer 2007, after another failed attempt at a relationship with a girl, I decided to tell my best friend Rachel that I was gay. I arranged one of our common walks to the Woodville Cemetery. "I'm gay," I said.
"I know." She held my arm as I squinted toward the sun and began to cry.
We continued walking, sat down in the tall grass by the canal bank and talked. This began the dialogue that would last nearly a year. We discussed my desire to stay in the Mormon church, to have an "eternal family." To avoid the "gay lifestyle."
Here's the thing about Rachel. She knew more about what it meant to be gay than I did at the time. She had always been attuned to things of the gays. She was well read on the subject, and even frequented several gay Mormon blogs.
I asked her, "Do you think I'll be able to marry a woman?" She was frank, and told me that it would be difficult to find a woman who would be willing to do so. And that the chances of such a marriage working out would be very slim. She led me to a lot of literature on the subject.
I soon latched onto several blogs, and found a vast, interconnected web of blogs that helped me understand that I certainly was not alone. My struggle was much more common than I had thought. I would spend hours and hours reading posts and emailing many to Rachel saying, "THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!"
I've had several therapists in my life. Rachel is the best one by far. You see, we had a tradition. I would get sad, call her, then we'd bake together. Sometimes we'd talk about what was making me sad, sometimes we wouldn't. We'd bake, or walk to the cemetery, and I'd always feel better afterward.
Rachel was there as stagnated, as I grew, and as (a year after I came out to her) I fell in love for the first time. She giggled with me as I talked about how BF and I cuddled. Her eyes sparkled when I told her about the freedom I finally felt. And she made me homemade lemonade when it all ended.
Later, she was on standby when I came out to my parents. As soon as I could, I drove my car to her house, and I cried as she held me. When the tears stopped, she gave me a glass of water and leftovers. She didn't say much, she was just there. Just like she always was. She was there when I needed her.
Now, Rachel tries to keep track of the boys I'm dating. She usually remembers their names. And she asks about them. This means so much to me. Now she lives in Idaho and I live in Utah. But we talk on the phone, and when we do the conversation is sometimes lively, sometimes serious. But always she's there for me. And I hope I'm there for her, too.
Rachel is my truest friend. She is singular for me. I'll never be able to describe what she did and does for me. I'd not be here without her.
Acorn squash.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Happy Days are Here Again.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
How's Utah?
-I love my job. It's a great combination of editing, managing content and graphic design (all of which I love). It's busy, and we're always up against one deadline or another (or another, and another). But it's exciting, and I'm learning a lot. Best of all I have great co-workers. I knew I'd get along with them as soon as they laughed at my first joke. I'm a sucker for a person who laughs at my jokes.
-It's great to be so close to Miss Bates. She's so great, and it's practically a necessity for me to see her once a week. In fact, we've established "BFF night" every Wednesday night. One week she comes to downtown, the next, I go to Sandy. It's a delight. Truly wonderful.
-My apartment is so delightful. I really love having my own place and I LOVE the neighborhood. Seriously, so great. On the weekends I pretend I'm a real city person (and don't commute a half hour into the suburbs every day) and try to park my car and walk a lot. Everything is in walking distance. The grocery store is two blocks away, the library is five or six. Downtown is maybe five.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Well, it's hard to say goodbye... -or- Six things I didn't expect to be so great about Idaho.
So, without further ado, here are six things I didn't expect to be so great about living in Idaho.
1. My new friends. Lessie, Thomas, Stephanie, Jackie, everyone at Cabinpalooza, all the people at the UU, plus many others. Even in conservative Idaho Falls, I found a ton of people who accepted and supported me as a gay man.
2. Being close to my family and existing friends. I don't think I could have lived without Rachel, Catherine or my family during the last 6 months.
3. Living alone. I can't say enough about how great it is to live alone. I can't wait to have my own apartment again in Salt Lake.
4. Living with friends. When I was laid off from my job, Rachel and Abe let me live in their basement. There's not a lot better than late-night conversations after the kids had gone to bed. More than once, the conversation was accompanied by an Oreo and milk binge.
5. Boys. OK, now, don't be fooled. Idaho Falls does not have very many gay people. But there were enough. I have pretty much had at least one boy to chase at all times. It's been fun. Really fun.
6. My art show. Who would have thought that I would have had an art show AND sell two pieces? It was so fun to sell my first artwork. Also, since being laid off, I've had time for all kinds of creative endeavors.
