nckwhlr

2011-05-22T21:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone… I’ve had quite a change of life recently which has enabled me to put the effort into blogging that I want to. Please like my Facebook page, and subscribe to Cocktail Remedy!

In 2010...

2011-01-01T12:24:00.000-08:00

Last night I was getting ready for a party to bring in the new year with friends (which was FAB, btw), and I was thinking about 2010. I started to get sad and wonder what I had done in 2010 that was worthwhile. I couldn't think of anything. "Has my life this year been dedicated to work, alone? Haven't I spent this year doing anything meaningful beyond a paycheck?"

Then I started to think. 2010 has been pretty amazing, actually. Nothing like I would have expected. But wow. What. A. Year.

1. I exercised consistently for the entire year. This is a phenomenal achievement. I have never exercised consistently ever in my life. And here, I did it all year long.

2. I made an "It Gets Better" video that ended up getting over 50,000 views on YouTube. The video led to interviews with the LA times and the Associated Press. Now my video has been transcribed and will be published in a collection by Penguin.

3. I was a member of the committee that organized the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk For Life. Truly rewarding.

4. I designed t-shirts for UAF, and saw tons of UAF volunteers wearing and marching in them during SLC's Gay Pride. This was my first Pride.

5. I found a new passion in making cocktails.

6. I went to Boston for a week.

7. I ran a 10k.

8. I joined the Salt Lake Men's Choir.

Yeah, 2010 was pretty much amazing. I'm so lucky.

New blog.

2010-11-15T14:50:00.000-08:00

OK, so I have a new blog. This one will still likely exist, but the new one will be updated more frequently I'm sure.

So if you like to drink, or are interested in delicious beverages, please visit Lovely Libations.

We are the people of this bus!

2010-10-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

Growing up, our afternoon bus driver, Lynette, would politely pull over and let cars pass our slow school bus on the long stretch of two-lane highway that led to our country homes.

Naturally, this OUTRAGED us.

I mean, our lives were important! We had after-school cartoons to watch. We had chores to do, and god-dammit, we had times tables to memorize! We were the proletariat of this society! They should be letting US pass THEM!

We were the kids who got on the bus first in the morning, and last in the afternoon. We were veritable martyrs.

We'd whisper: "She's such a terrible driver! It's not even legal to let people pass you like this! She's putting us in danger!"

Then Lynette became our morning school bus driver, too. OH THE OPPRESSION! I mean, Oh My God, she would HONK THE HORN in the morning when we weren't out waiting. How hateful.

Somehow our collective outrage never developed past pre-teen angst.

If it would have, we would have picketed, refusing to board the bus until our demands to be home earlier were met! We would not rest until the 7:15 horn remained in patient silence!

The outrage we felt was laughable. Times certainly change. So do people. So did I.

The other night I read my friend Kristen's tweet about the protest at Temple Square about Boyd K. Packer's general conference remarks. I had read his talk and was naturally upset. There was only 30 minutes left of the protest (15 minutes of which would be spent driving downtown). But I decided I needed to be there.

Twenty-five minutes later I was running through downtown. Parking was scarce because of the protest. I had parked five blocks away. My full-speed run left me breathless, but I made it.

The protest was well-attended. And for the five-minutes I was there, I was happy to be doing what I was doing. Because God-dammit, I deserve my rights. And others deserve theirs, too. And nobody deserves to grow up in an environment where they are labeled "impure and unnatural."

As some of you know, my video "It Gets Better" has gotten quite the attention. I've had over 40,000 views on YouTube. I was interviewed by the LA Times and by the Associated Press.

And you know me... I LOVED the attention. But I also loved knowing that people were (are) watching my video.

I don't know what the point of this post is (except that this has been on my mind a lot). I guess I just want to say that it's nice to be a part of something that's bigger than me. It's nice to be working toward something that I know is right. And GOD, it's great to not have to ride the school bus.

I'm still pissed about all the Duck Tales I missed, though. That shit's irreparable.

Auto Parts, Groceries, and the AP

2010-10-06T09:40:00.000-07:00

It Gets Better

2010-09-22T09:11:00.000-07:00

My response to Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project.

The LOVELIEST Libation

2010-09-05T15:59:00.000-07:00

Dear HF,

OMG, I love a Gin and Tonic. There's nothing more refreshing or soothing. LOL!

I recently stumbled upon this recipe for Gin and Tonic sorbet and like, got soooo excited! ROFL!

So I made it. And now I have the recipe perfected to my own standards. And OH MY, God, have you got to try this. Of course, I just needed to double the recipe and add more gin. That's sooo me, amiright!?

So HF, thanks againsies for this fab drinkie,

Amen.

RECIPE:

2 c. simple syrup

5 c. tonic water

1 c. lime juice

1 1/2 c. gin*

*I like New Amsterdam gin. It comes in a pretty bottle, is good quality and is pretty inexpensive.

So easy, just throw it all in your ice cream maker and freeze it. It takes a little longer than ice cream would, b/c of the alcohol and all, but it's well worth the wait.

You can also garnish with lime zest and/or a lime wedge. This only matters on the first round. After that, nobody will care.

Nick's dating tips.

2010-08-28T07:20:00.000-07:00

I've been going on a lot of first dates lately. And it's excruciating. OH THE AWKWARDITY!

So I've come up with a few simple tips to assuage the terribleness of first dates. Here we go.

1. Expect your date to be a hot mess. So when the date doesn't end with a broken drag heel, running mascara and crying in the gutter, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. Make a list of questions to ask beforehand. Here are some suggestions:

-Aren't I adorable?

-Will you pick up the tab?

-How does one know if they have Herpes, hypothetically?

-Wouldn't you rather get a makeover at the MAC counter?

3. If the date is going really well, delve into some deeper topics:

-Look at my ass in these jeans!

-Buy me another beer, you bitch!

-OK, so what's your hottest celeb sex fantasy? Dead or alive.

-What's your middle name?

4. And if the date is boring, you might try making a friend instead and asking some intellectual questions like:

-Do you have friends?

-Are any of them cute?

-Are any of them single?

-What are their numbers?

-Will you have sex with me?

5. If you don't know if the date is going well, you're in a tough spot. I find it effective to always assume the worst: That your date has four tongues, two of which are poisonous and scaly. And his tail will rip through his jeans at any moment while he screams, "HA! You're a fool! I'm really an alien lizard!"

6. Find out up front what the other person is looking for. So are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you just casually dating? Do you like sex toys?

7. And lastly but not leastly, be confident. You have nothing to hide. If someone falls in love with you, you want it to be because they love you for who you are. Besides, I already published all your deepest secrets to the Internet. And everyone already knows your hottest celeb sex fantasy is me.

Watch this, you won't regret it.

2010-08-26T20:41:00.000-07:00

"I also have shoes and, uh a face, so I like that about myself. And I like myself and I have a lot of other great qualities as well."

Did I say that?

2010-07-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

After my workout and shower today at the gym, it was just me and one other guy changing. When a person's phone went off in a locker nearby by playing "Your Love is my Drug," by Ke$ha, the other man said, "Wow, that's a pretty gay ringtone."

So I paused for a second, looked at him and said (to my own surprise!), "You know, that's offensive. I happen to be gay." So bold! So scary! So personal! So confrontational! So unlike me!

He muttered a half apology and we both dressed in AWKWARD silence. I rushed out of the locker room. Still staring at the floor, but so damn proud.

We're gonna getcha!

2010-07-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

One of the most hilarious pieces of hate speech against gays is that the gays are infiltrating and taking over society.

I hear it, and I'm all, DUH!

My favorite quote from Glee between BFFs Mercedes (beautiful black woman) and Kurt (gay): "Mercedes is black, I'm gay: We make culture."

And I'm all, DUH!

You see, as my time passes as an out gay man it becomes easier and easier to spot other gays.

I express this to my friends. "The gays. They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE! THE GAYS! DO YOU HEAR ME!"

And they're all, DUH!

And so for the hell of it, and to prove my point DAMNIT, here are some stats from my very gay life.

6 people I knew at BYU-Idaho are now out-of-the closet gays. 4 of these I knew before I acknowledged that I was gay to myself.

I come from a tiny-ass town. And more specifically, a rural area outside of the small-ass town. And in my rural area, I can think of 6 confirmed homosexuals. And all within 10 years of my age.

61 men within 10 miles of me are currently on connexion.org, a favorite gay dating web site.

25,000 people who attended Utah Pride 2010. Of course, not all are gay. But that's still a lot.

3 people I served with on my mission are gay.

And in general, I see them everywhere. At the gym, at the grocery store, next to me in traffic. Everywhere.

Basically I just wanted to write and say if you hate gays, well, you'd best not. 'Cause we're out there. We're everywhere. We're infiltrating your literature! Your art! Your television! We'll make you miserable (your fault, not ours)!

Obviously. The gays? Oh, they're everywhere.

Ya'll been missing me?

2010-07-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated in forevsies. Stream-of-conciousness awesomeness coming atcha. (This post is better if you read it in a fast-paced ADHD voice. Thank you.)

-Went to the Arts Fest. It was awesome. While leaving for afternoon cocktails at a nearby bar, a street preacher was yapping about how "I'm gay! Not homosexual! GAY MEANS HAPPY." Whatevs. He was weird. So I shouted and raised my hand, "I'm homosexual!" The line waiting to get in cheered. So proud of my 'lil moment.

-Shaved my head. Cut it all right off. Low maintenance hairstyle = amazing. PICTURE:

So yep, thats me looking oh-so-vogue sexy. Damn straight. Also note the tank top. I have purchased no less than 5 tank tops this summer. Couldn't be happier. Tank tops + no bed head ever = best summer ever.

-Got maself a clock radio. JK. Already had one.

-Injured... so no running. Outdid myself and made my knee hurt real bad on my 7.5 mile run. Now I can run an amazingly low 2 miles only without pain. Pissed, but lesson learned.

-But I did hire a personal trainer. He wants me to find a picture of what I want to look like when I'm done. Looked through no less than 1,327,451 pics online and finally found the one that was perfsies. HAWT man be me in 12 months or less.

-On the board for the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk for Life coming up in Sept. Can't wait. Them posters gonna be brills.

-Don't know what's with the Utah-preteen-gay-gangster-lol-catz talk. Srsly.

-Wuz on hotguysreadingbooks. With this fab pic:

Thanks be to my coworker K-W whom I love, for the picture.

-Summer is here and parties galore. Not that they weren't before. But now our parties have tiki torches. And I burned my hand on one cause I didn't know what I was doing, but now I know so ask me anything about tiki torches.

-Wish I could quit my job and ride my bike around the world. Just live like the little hipster that lives inside me but with more space and less guts. I'd play my uke at liberty park, but in my dreams there would be no oil spill. And I would have a better singing voice.

-Or I'd go to summer camp.

-Wish I was funny like this bitch. Watch out for that F-bomb straight up at the front.

-But I am funny. Was makin' everyone bust a gut at a recent party. A few quotes that were gems:

"Goddamnit! Guacomole and genocide!"

"What are you doing?" "Oh you know, just weaving placenta."

I know, you don't get it. I don't care, it's funnier this way. Promises promises.

-OMG watched "Funny Girl" for the first time. Love that Babs. She's the prettiest. AND, Carrie Bradshaw? I got news for you honey, you stole your moves straight up from that fine Jewish specimen. Guaranteed. I can just see Miss Jessica Parker (wish I could hate her) watching "Funny Girl" and stealin' every mannerism. Whatever.

-Just living the summer of love and amazingness here in SoSaLa (South Salt Lake, duh).

-Misses and kisses to you all.

Well isn't that just lovely...

2010-06-12T12:15:00.000-07:00

So many wonderful things about my life lately. I'd like to share them with you.

For those of you who don't know, I moved into my friend Blake's townhouse. It's much cheaper here, and it's a financially responsible decision for me. I carpool with my coworker, and it's nice to have people at home from time to time. One of my favorite things about living here so far has been the garden. Blake doesn't have a lot of desire to garden, so he's allowed me to plant whatever I want. Here's what's in my garden:

Strawberries. These were here before Blake moved in, so I trimmed them back, and they've produced many small, but delicious berries this year.

The Geraniums are out of control!

And other various flowers. I've got some Cosmos, some Zinnias, some Impatiens. Some other stuff that I cannot name. Because I forgot what it's all called.

Also, I just had my first Pride. It was so totally, unbelievably brilliant and rewarding. I marched with the Utah AIDS Foundation. This organization is run by such great people, and it was (and is!) a privilege to be involved with them.

Blake marched with us too. Blake is one of the good ones. It was his job to carry the rainbow flag, and he carried it so proudly. There were a few moments where I watched him, saw the pure happiness and pride in his face and nearly burst into tears. It was amazing. The look on his face expressed how I was feeling inside. So damn proud to be me.

These are some of the most brilliant, amazing people I know. Some of my best friends who marched with me. (L-R: Lydia, Blake, Denice, and me). I'm crying a little, just looking at this picture.

I've also been training for a half marathon. I'm not sure which, but my drive to be fit has never been more. Since I'm running about 6-7 miles right now, I decided to run the Pride 5k. A local photographer took this AMAZING picture of me. I was proud of my time (26:20), and Denice and Blake were there to cheer me on. Amazeballs friends. Just amazeballs.

Also, there's been this great boy lately, Danny. We've had a lot of fun over the last month or so. Problem is, he's moving back to D.C. (He was here on temporary assignment). I knew he'd be leaving all along, so it's no surprise, but I'll be sad to see him go. But he's just been one more thing to top off the greatness in my life right now.

For my fans

2010-04-24T15:35:00.000-07:00

OH. MY. GOD. You guys are such stalkers. I wish you'd all quit emailing me for shirtless photos of myself. Argh! Anyway. Here. Shut up, already.

What I believe, and how it has changed my life. Part 1.

2010-04-22T19:06:00.000-07:00

OK, so coming out this, coming out that. I know, I know. It's all I talk about. Whatever.

Coming out for me was not just telling the world I was gay, it was re-examining everything I believed, why I believed it, and changing the things that just didn't make sense anymore. So I'm thinking this might be some sort of series -- but I'm lazy and rarely complete series. So. Anyway. Yeah. There's a lot of these swimming around in my head. Here's the first.

What I used to believe: That there was one true path to God. One way to happiness. That God wants us to be one, big, homogenized family.

What I believe now: Well, I don't believe that God exists. But I believe that if he does exist, he made us all the way we are. I believe that if he exists, he loves the Andy Warhols as much as he loves ... Glen Beck? Maybe? I believe that happiness is found by expressing your personal freedoms. I believe that we are damn lucky if we get to discover who we really are, deep down, in this life. Even luckier if we have the opportunity to express it. I believe that one should not do harm to others or the earth. But I do not believe in sin.

How it affects my life: I don't worry about fitting into an imaginary mold anymore. I focus on being me, doing what brings me happiness and doing what I think will help individual humans and humanity as a whole. Life has become somewhat of an experiment for me. I'm not afraid of messing up anymore. I'm not worried about being on the right path.

Instead, I try to be happy. I try to be me. And I try to let/help others do the same thing.

Cheers, bitches.

Run your very own gay 10k!

2010-03-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

'Cause I'm not a quitter.

2010-03-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

OK, OK, I'm a quitter. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I get bored easily. But I do recognize that I lack motivation to finish things. My house is full of half-finished art projects. And my brain is even fuller of ideas I've never brought to fruition.

Since college, I've had few, if any, goals. But now I'm on the cusp of completing a big one. Next weekend my coworker and I are traveling to St. George to run a 10k. In my training, I've run further than I ever have before. But I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit so bad. The long runs are agonizing, painful, and sometimes just plain boring.

But I'm going to stick with it. Tomorrow is my last run before the big race. And even though it feels like my calves are never going to stop hurting, I remember that I'm trying to be a finisher. At the very least, a not-quitter. Wait, that's the same thing, isn't it?

This.

2010-03-02T16:10:00.001-08:00

Welcome to my world.

2010-03-01T15:14:00.001-08:00

Homophobia.

2010-02-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm guilty of homophobia.

When I was on my mission, in Vermont, a gay couple invited my companion and I to dinner. We scheduled the dinner more than a week in advance, and during the entire week, I was terrified. What would this couple do to us? Would they trap us in their basement dungeon? Would they poison us? I was irrational. Completely.

When we got to dinner, the couple invited us into the showroom of their antique shop where we ate at a beautiful rustic table. We ate the best pork roast I've had, delightful mashed potatoes and fresh, hot apple sauce. It was delicious. It was also pleasant. The couple told us that they had been feeding Mormons for years (no doubt trying to enlighten dozens of terrified pale-faced missionaries).

We shared a bible verse, then left.

A few months ago, I was walking home from a party late at night. I was walking quickly, as I normally do when it's late at night and freezing cold. I passed some teenagers. They asked me for cigarettes. I told them I didn't have any. And I kept walking. Then one said loudly, "Dude! You walk like a queer!" The rest of the teenagers laughed cruelly. My heart started beating quickly. I walked more quickly as I became more upset. I wasn't as upset at the personal attack, as I was at the overall feeling of homophobia that existed among that group of teenagers.

Even more recently, I stopped to get coffee at Café Marmalade, the Utah Pride Center's coffee shop, before work. While I waited for my coffee, I realized that there was a discussion group going on. There were gay boys and girls gathered around talking about what it meant to be gay. That coffee shop must be such a haven for those kids. I wanted to go around the room and give them all hugs, knowing that they probably faced homophobia at school every day.

So some questions. When have you experienced or witnessed homophobia? When have you been guilty of it yourself?

Highlights from my life recently, in pictures.

2010-02-13T14:24:00.000-08:00

A spelling lesson, sort of.

2010-02-05T10:29:00.000-08:00

I love this.

2010-01-21T08:19:00.000-08:00

via @tricktcha, my delightful cousin, whose blog is consistently inspiring.

My new hobby.

2010-01-19T21:16:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I bought a sewing machine. Today I made this. I plan to make more. I found the instructions here.

Now with more choppy editing!

2010-01-10T21:19:00.001-08:00

My first video blog.

2009-12-13T13:35:00.000-08:00

Six feelings I've been feeling a lot lately. Or, a post about my sexy new biceps.

2009-12-10T17:15:00.000-08:00

1. Accomplishment. If you follow me on Twitter, or interact with me with any regularity, you've heard me say, "Have you seen my biceps?!" Then I probably peeled my skin-tight sleeve off of my bulging right bicep and showed you what I've been working on for the past 3 months. Vanity, no. Accomplishment, yes.

2. Weepiness. Have you SEEN 'Glee?' That is all.

3. The Holiday spirit. I fully planned on being a scrooge this year. So much for that.

4. Vanity. Because that definitely wasn't a part of #1. And because there's a lot of it in my life. And because I have the cutest winter boots.

5. Also, I'm in love. Oh wait. No. No, I'm not.

6. Did I mention my biceps?

Onehelluvayear

2009-11-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

Today at work my coworkers and I were discussing the approaching new year. After the discussion, I thought about 2009. HOLY SHIT. It's been a crazy one.

Just cause I want to say it all in one breath, all these things happened this year so far:

Icameoutoftheclosetgotajobgotmyfirstapartmentwenttosan-franciscodatedsomeboyslayedbythepoolhadanartshowand-soldtwopiecesdatedsomemoreboyslostmyjobwas-unemployedsoldmyleasemovedinwithrachelgotdepressed-gotajobinutahmovedgotnotdepressedgotanotherapartment-datedsomemoreboysdecoratedmyapartmentwaspoorbut-

happywenttolasvegasandsawu2omgbestbandevermetsome-richpeoplewhowerereallyniceandpartiedlikeoneshould-doinlasvegasinventedadeliciouscocktailstartedworkingout-andjusthadtoshoweveryonemybicepsandomgsoglad2009-isalmostoveritwasgoodbutreallycrazyomgomgomg.

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, wow, Nick, that's a lot of things to say in one breath!" My response to you is, "OMG, you're not the one who had to say it."

But seriously, the year 2009 has been the craziest, most unbelievable year for me. And in case you didn't read that part above, here's a recap for you. And trust me, there will be no shortage of acronyms here. OMG, WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT.

Remember when I spent the first half of the year in Idaho Effing Falls, Effing Idaho? Remember how I came out of the closet while living in Idaho Falls, Idaho? You don't remember? Well, I did, OK? And I'm going to throw away the piece of humble pie that you all want me to eat and say DAMN COMING OUT IS A BITCH and OMG I'M HELLA PROUD OF MYSELF.

But life wasn't all bad. Loved my job, my coworkers, made some faboo friends, got to see my old friends all the time, endured hopefully my last Idaho winter, dated every gay boy in Idaho Falls, I'm pretty sure. Grew up a lot, too. Oh and don't forget about Karaoke and the Unitarians. I love me the UUs.

My stint in Idaho Falls ended when I lost my job, was ineligible for unemployment then moved in with Rachel, her husband and her two kids for six weeks or so. My friend Kristina (OMG bless her soul forever and ever) told me that her company was hiring. After three trips to utah in a week and a half, I had a job and an apartment and a new life ahead of me.

I met some people through my friend Lessie here in SLC and we became fast friends. THX BE TO THEM for being the best ever and inviting me to everything and letting me be a part of their group. And I love my job and my coworkers. They're nice and we exercise together. So I've started eating right and getting buff. And sexy. And stuff. I had a gut, but now I don't. And life just flows along. And I'm happy. OMG am I happy. 2009, you were a bitch, for sure. I won't forget you anytime soon.

Love,

Nick

Ode to my bestie.

2009-11-29T20:55:00.000-08:00

I've tried to write this post a thousand and one times. And every time, it doesn't measure up. Still, this one doesn't. But here goes anyway...

During Summer 2007, after another failed attempt at a relationship with a girl, I decided to tell my best friend Rachel that I was gay. I arranged one of our common walks to the Woodville Cemetery. "I'm gay," I said.

"I know." She held my arm as I squinted toward the sun and began to cry.

We continued walking, sat down in the tall grass by the canal bank and talked. This began the dialogue that would last nearly a year. We discussed my desire to stay in the Mormon church, to have an "eternal family." To avoid the "gay lifestyle."

Here's the thing about Rachel. She knew more about what it meant to be gay than I did at the time. She had always been attuned to things of the gays. She was well read on the subject, and even frequented several gay Mormon blogs.

I asked her, "Do you think I'll be able to marry a woman?" She was frank, and told me that it would be difficult to find a woman who would be willing to do so. And that the chances of such a marriage working out would be very slim. She led me to a lot of literature on the subject.

I soon latched onto several blogs, and found a vast, interconnected web of blogs that helped me understand that I certainly was not alone. My struggle was much more common than I had thought. I would spend hours and hours reading posts and emailing many to Rachel saying, "THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!"

I've had several therapists in my life. Rachel is the best one by far. You see, we had a tradition. I would get sad, call her, then we'd bake together. Sometimes we'd talk about what was making me sad, sometimes we wouldn't. We'd bake, or walk to the cemetery, and I'd always feel better afterward.

Rachel was there as stagnated, as I grew, and as (a year after I came out to her) I fell in love for the first time. She giggled with me as I talked about how BF and I cuddled. Her eyes sparkled when I told her about the freedom I finally felt. And she made me homemade lemonade when it all ended.

Later, she was on standby when I came out to my parents. As soon as I could, I drove my car to her house, and I cried as she held me. When the tears stopped, she gave me a glass of water and leftovers. She didn't say much, she was just there. Just like she always was. She was there when I needed her.

Now, Rachel tries to keep track of the boys I'm dating. She usually remembers their names. And she asks about them. This means so much to me. Now she lives in Idaho and I live in Utah. But we talk on the phone, and when we do the conversation is sometimes lively, sometimes serious. But always she's there for me. And I hope I'm there for her, too.

Rachel is my truest friend. She is singular for me. I'll never be able to describe what she did and does for me. I'd not be here without her.

Acorn squash.

2009-11-29T20:28:00.000-08:00

Today I cooked acorn squash for the first time. I roasted it with a little butter, brown sugar and kosher salt. The skin turned such a beautiful black I couldn't resist photographing it.

Happy Days are Here Again.

2009-09-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Lizzy posted this on her blog a long time ago, and I love it. So I thought I'd post it. Cause I love it.

How's Utah?

2009-09-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

So now that it's been a month since I've lived in Utah (and a month since I've posted), I'm kinda settled in. And I'm pleased to say that things are pretty damn great. I'll talk about those, but I'll also talk about some negative things. Some things that I need to say.

-I love my job. It's a great combination of editing, managing content and graphic design (all of which I love). It's busy, and we're always up against one deadline or another (or another, and another). But it's exciting, and I'm learning a lot. Best of all I have great co-workers. I knew I'd get along with them as soon as they laughed at my first joke. I'm a sucker for a person who laughs at my jokes.

-It's great to be so close to Miss Bates. She's so great, and it's practically a necessity for me to see her once a week. In fact, we've established "BFF night" every Wednesday night. One week she comes to downtown, the next, I go to Sandy. It's a delight. Truly wonderful.

-My apartment is so delightful. I really love having my own place and I LOVE the neighborhood. Seriously, so great. On the weekends I pretend I'm a real city person (and don't commute a half hour into the suburbs every day) and try to park my car and walk a lot. Everything is in walking distance. The grocery store is two blocks away, the library is five or six. Downtown is maybe five.

-I'm making new friends all the time. Most of the people I've met are through Sean and Craig, who have been delightful people to have around. We cook, we drink, we karaoke. We generally have a good time.

-But not all is fun and games (most, but not all). Utah seems a much more political place than Idaho. And Salt Lake City is the capital. When I lived in Idaho, I felt like I was far away from Idaho politics. Things didn't sink in as much there. Like what, you ask? Like the fact that in Utah and Idaho it is legal for an employer to not hire or fire someone just because they are gay. More upsetting than not being able to marry, LGBT people here (and in Idaho) can GET FIRED FROM THEIR JOBS just for being gay.

-Also, I can see the top of the Church office building from my house, and I drive by Temple Square every day on the way to work. This is an interesting feeling. Something I used to hold dear is now something that fights against my basic human rights. Did I mention that in Utah it's legal for someone to FIRE ME FROM MY JOB because I'm gay?

-So I've been wanting to get involved. That's another great thing about Utah, is that there are ways to get involved everywhere. So we'll see where I end up. Any suggestions on places to volunteer?

Well, it's hard to say goodbye... -or- Six things I didn't expect to be so great about Idaho.

2009-08-02T14:33:00.000-07:00

The other night I was at a it's-Nick's-last-weekend-living-in-Idaho party, and I made a speech. The speech was simple and to the point. "When I decided to stay in Idaho, I didn't expect to make lifetime friends, but here you all are."

So, without further ado, here are six things I didn't expect to be so great about living in Idaho.

1. My new friends. Lessie, Thomas, Stephanie, Jackie, everyone at Cabinpalooza, all the people at the UU, plus many others. Even in conservative Idaho Falls, I found a ton of people who accepted and supported me as a gay man.

2. Being close to my family and existing friends. I don't think I could have lived without Rachel, Catherine or my family during the last 6 months.

3. Living alone. I can't say enough about how great it is to live alone. I can't wait to have my own apartment again in Salt Lake.

4. Living with friends. When I was laid off from my job, Rachel and Abe let me live in their basement. There's not a lot better than late-night conversations after the kids had gone to bed. More than once, the conversation was accompanied by an Oreo and milk binge.

5. Boys. OK, now, don't be fooled. Idaho Falls does not have very many gay people. But there were enough. I have pretty much had at least one boy to chase at all times. It's been fun. Really fun.

6. My art show. Who would have thought that I would have had an art show AND sell two pieces? It was so fun to sell my first artwork. Also, since being laid off, I've had time for all kinds of creative endeavors.

Snapshots from my life in the last few days.

2009-07-27T13:53:00.000-07:00

Saturday night: "Come down here right now!" I shouted to Rachel. Immediately, the funk I was in was over. It was like I had done some very powerful drugs.

Rachel must have been in a panic, and immediately ran downstairs. "I got an offer!" I continued, conscious of the sleeping children. Rachel smiled while I danced around like a weirdo, hugged her, and generally basked in the fact that my life was going to change.

Later Saturday night: How interesting. On the night I find out I'm moving from Idaho, I end up on a date with an adorable boy. Sigh. Of course I did.

Even later Saturday night: The happiness that was immediately injected into my system a few hours earlier left me almost entirely unable to sleep. I achieved a whopping two hours of sleep. Over and over again, I went from lying there with my mind rushing through thoughts of where I was going to live, my new responsibilities, etc., to clutching my knees and giggling like an imbecile, so happy that i was finally leaving Idaho.

Sunday morning: I went to church, where I lit a candle and announced, "It's been wonderful to be here in Idaho Falls during such a defining time in my life, but now I'm moving to Salt Lake City." Coffee hour was filled with friendly goodbyes.

Sunday afternoon: Caught a very quick nap. Certainly not long enough to catch up on sleep.

Later Sunday afternoon: Helped Rachel prepare for dinner guests. We ate a delightful dinner, then I couldn't handle the stress of new people in my sleep-deprived state. So I watched the baby in the living room for a while then crashed for a two-hour nap. The dinner guests wondered where I went.

Now: I think I'm pretty much caught up on the sleep I missed. I'm in a rush to get everything done before I start my new job on August 5. Very exciting, my friends, very exciting.

Because we've gotta give them hope.

2009-07-23T15:24:00.000-07:00

I love this speech by Harvey Milk. I watch it and almost always cry.

Last night, my friends and I watched part of "Equality U," a documentary about Soulforce's equality ride to universities across the country. There's a part where a girl name Pam talks about how important it is for the members of the ride to get arrested for trespassing on private universities' property.

Important because if one person knew that there were people out there who would do something like that for a gay person, then it would give them hope.

I remember being a BYU-Idaho student and constantly Googling "Gay Mormon," or "BYU-Idaho gay." All I needed to know was that one person on that campus was also gay, also struggling.

So here I am, spouting out keyword-rich content so maybe a gay student at BYU-Idaho will read my blog.

Part of why I came out so publicly and so quickly on the Internet was because suddenly coming out wasn't just about me. It was about every student at BYU-Idaho just like me. It was about the 16-year-old gay kid from Shelley, Idaho. It was about making an impression on one person, that they are OK. That they are a person of value, that they are not sinful, and that their love, whoever it is directed toward, is beautiful.

Treatment for homosexuality at BYU-Idaho, part of my gay Mormon story.

2009-07-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

I had counted out my sins time and again; I pictured myself laying them out on my bishop's desk one at a time like three $100 dollar bills. Masturbation, porn, and "I like boys."

I thought I could weave my web of transgressions together in a one-breathed sentence. And now that I had scheduled my confessional I had time to rehearse it a thousand more times.

Saying, "I like boys" (or whatever I really did say that day) was the first time I had mentioned my tendency to look at gay porn to anyone.

And that's what it was to me, a tendency. It wasn't homosexuality, certainly not me "coming out" to my newly-ordained bishop. I knew that with Jesus' help, everything would work out ... I'd be normal in no time.

Soon enough, I met my BYU-Idaho counselor and the support group that I would attend for the next eight months.

Each week I joined ten young men in making a circle of desks, admitting that "I have been masturbating since I was 14." I eagerly joined their monastery of shame. It must have looked like we all prayed to Gods that lived beneath the floor boards. That, of course, is excepting the few who had been "victorious" the previous week in the battle against masturbation and pornography who looked at the tops of our heads.

Each of us would take turns divorcing our eyes from the floor, then wedding them again, to recite our lapse incidents that week.

At the time, I thought and felt like I was doing the right thing. I was overcoming my addiction. And certainly, that was not a bad thing to do (and especially beneficial was how I learned to talk about my deepest secrets), but I learned later that I was going about it all wrong.

---------

I would have rather swallowed broken glass like Pop Rocks than to sit in the waiting room at the campus counseling center for another minute. Next to me a girl with two ratted braids mumbled to herself while scribbling madly in her sketch book.

When my name was called, I tried to stuff the National Geographic I had been failing to read back into the crowded magazine rack. When I got to Dr. Gregg's office, it was too much like I had imagined. I knew, given the La-Z-Boy, exactly where to sit, even though Brother Gregg said, "Sit wherever you're comfortable."

So I sat in the La-Z-Boy and regurgitated my one-sentence recitation again.

---------

The end of this story is obvious to anyone who reads my blog. I'm quite comfortable with masturbation, pornography and being gay. I'm not an addict, and I consider my sexuality to be a healthy one.

When I was in group therapy, I never went more than six weeks without lapsing into compulsive behavior. A dirty thought would leave me wrapped up in self hatred which would lead imminently (and compulsively) to a lapse.

One thing was never communicated to us, though; of course it wasn't: Masturbation is a perfectly natural part of life. And pornography? Plenty of good people look at it. And guess what? The shame you're feeling is contributing more to your downfall as a human being than looking at naked bodies.

When I realized that, and truly believed it, that's when my compulsive, unhealthy behavior stopped. And it stopped. I didn't have to do anything to stop it, except to stop shaming myself.

---------

During my counseling sessions there was a lot of crying, a lot of pain, and a lot of healing.

Steps for "growing out of my homosexuality" provided by Evergreen, International lent healing to my soul and to my relationships and engendered emotional authenticity. But let's be clear: they DID NOT make me straight. And for that matter, any less gay. What I got from reparative therapy was the same as what I could have gotten through standard, more ethical therapy practices.

The reparative therapy I participated in focused on resolving the issues that had "caused" my homosexuality. Talking out homoerotic adolescent experiences, resolving father/son relationship issues, gaining confidence among male peers, building healthy (non-sexual) relationships with the same sex. All important and good things, certainly. But how can this be billed as "treatment" for something for which the medical and psychological community have not determined a cause.

So besides the fact that it doesn't work, what's wrong with reparative therapy?

I remember Dr. Gregg, on several occasions, asking me to close my eyes and picture a woman's body. "What about women are you attracted to?" he'd ask. "Their personalities, their eyes, their smiles."

"No," he corrected, "their bodies."

He seemed to think that my attraction to men was simply a misunderstanding of my sexuality. He certainly didn't understand that I just wasn't attracted to women. Suppressing sexual thoughts of men was something I could do. Developing an attraction to women? Absolutely not.

Now, I must say that there are some who believe their orientation has been changed. Some who claim to run successful ex-gay ministries. And if someone says their orientation has been changed, who am I to say otherwise? All I can say is that for me, and many others who have undergone therapy (including electro-shock therapy in the not-too-distant past at BYU), efforts to change orientation have been fruitless.

And when therapy doesn't work, people who likely already hate themselves (why else would they be trying to change), consider therapy another personal failure. No wonder many are driven to suicide through this type of therapy. Several people I know personally have had serious suicidal thoughts which have led them (thankfully) to quit this kind of therapy.

Everything I've described thus far was before my mission, which I figured would be a miraculous transforming experience that would render me cured; It would be a rich reward for the hard work I had done in therapy. This is a common hope for young gay Mormons. Even after my mission, I returned briefly to Dr. Gregg. By this point, however, I had accepted that my homosexuality would remain with me forever.

--------

Cliché as it is, I wish I could tell my brothers in that support group (we did develop quite the camaraderie) how I feel now. I'd say, "You can masturbate and feel good about yourself. This shame that you have? It's totally uncalled for. Masturbation is a normal part of life. Your sex drive is healthy. The guilt you feel? It's what's driving your addiction."

And maybe that wouldn't have been that profound a thing for them to hear. But when I discovered it on my own, it was revolutionary.

--------

A few years after my mission, I returned to the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center. I was referred not by my bishop, but by my ex boyfriend (of all people). I expressed to Geoff the happiness I had found in acting according to my identity. And like Nathan said he would, he affirmed me. After getting to know me, he told me that I was a good person, that I could contribute to society.

We discussed God, my beliefs, the church, and the importance of gaining a new moral code. We discussed what really made me happy.

So I've taken both paths. I bet you can guess which one I'd take again.

Looking on the sunny side of life...

2009-07-15T21:24:00.000-07:00

So, the bright side of my semi-unemployed status is that I've had tons of extra time for creative endeavors (awesome blog post coming tomorrow, photography, painting). My friend Loriann commissioned me to do a painting for her... and I finished it tonight. I've been painting outside... the weather has been delightful. Enjoy!

Pictures of lightning. Or rather, pictures of the sky during a thunderstorm.

2009-07-13T19:50:00.001-07:00

Taking pictures of lightning is fun. You get the benefit of a long night exposure and the flash-like effect of the lightning. Last night was a fantastic storm. Unfortunately, I didn't get any good shots of actual lightning bolts. But still, a few cool shots. Things to figure out about night photography: how to focus, and how to get proper white balance.

Top 6 things I want to do with my life, now that I'm in decision-making mode.

2009-07-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

(In no particular order.)
1. Be a human rights advocate.
2. Join the Peace Corps.
3. Find a sugar daddy that encourages me to develop my fine art and creative writing skills. You know, so I don't have to work.
4. Drive across the country, visiting every continental state, without regard to how I'm going to pay for it.
5. Be a graphic designer (weird, eh?).
6. Go back to school and major in cello performance.

Now I can't wait to read about me later on your blog

2009-07-05T11:34:00.001-07:00

OK, the embed feature on this video is weird... but click through to collegehumor.com. So awesome. So funny. So delightful.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Night photographs

2009-06-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

I've been experimenting with long exposures at night. I love the possibilities here. Coloring with light... unnatural light colors, etc.

Six reasons you should be jealous.

2009-06-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

1. A brand new pair of Diesel jeans. They were $40. I know. What. A. Deal.
2. My new roommates.
3. A cooking buddy usually within 100 feet of me.
4. Asserting my manliness by wrestling a 2-year-old to the ground.:)
5. The Tautphaus Park Zoo. It is a perfect zoo of perfect size. Best of all, no pandas.
6. The most delicious meat of my life. Kabobs and brats. Wish that would have lasted forever.

Goodbye beard.

2009-06-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

How it feels to grow up gay and Mormon.

2009-06-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

*Disclaimer: There's a lot of anger in this post about the Mormon Church. And I know lots of you who read this blog are active Mormons. You've been warned.*

Many of you have probably come across the pamphlet distributed by the Mormon Church called, "To Young Men Only." By and large, it deals with sexuality, masturbation and homosexuality without actually saying any of those words, I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, as one having "problems" with masturbation as a kid (what male doesn't), I read this pamphlet over and over. I even considered memorizing it, to help me overcome the "problem" with my "factory."

Anyhow, I flipped through it today as I was cleaning my apartment, and my heart sank at the following passage. I remember being about 15 years old and reading this. And to be honest, I'm pretty damn pissed off in retrospect.

"There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just "that way" and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mis-matching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—masculine, manly men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers."

Sigh. I remember how broken I felt. How determined I was to correct my attraction. Now I see this passage as full of misunderstanding and lies (how would a Mormon transgender person feel?). So full, in fact, that the Church's stance on the source of homosexuality has since changed to a "we don't know" approach.

The thing is, is I don't feel like I'm supposed to be a "masculine, manly" man. I'm supposed to be me. That conclusion took me years to arrive at. And to really believe it took even longer. But now, I feel like I am who I am. And like you, I feel like I'm going to be me for a really long time.

Also, there is nothing "malicious and destructive" about love. And that's all there is to be said about that.

In "The Miracle of Forgiveness" I read that my homosexuality was not just the way I was, but CAUSED by masturbation. That's right. I learned that I myself had caused my own homosexuality. I perceived it as God's punishment for playing with myself.

In the middle of my "reparative therapy" at the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center, my research revealed that effective psychological "treatment" for homosexuality was not only highly unlikely, but considered unethical by the modern world.

So forgive me if this post is full of anger and angst. It's just that I see this sort of thing still happening. I see people not being affirmed for who they are. I see people trapped in dogmas (Mormon and otherwise) that don't accept them for being them. I read blogs of individuals who feel rejected by a Church, yet can't leave it. And it brings me a lot of pain.

Also, my factory runs just fine, thank you very much.

My one year.

2009-05-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

I love hiking. I went by myself yesterday and did Lower Palisades, it was delightful.

The appeal of hiking for me is that no matter how many times you have done a particular hike, it always seems like a new one, and at the same time, one you've done a million times. I love that a hike always seem longer, and shorter than when you've done it before. I love that when you're walking, you forget that you are, and suddenly you are somewhere else, overlooking a beautiful panorama, or a trail sneaking through a thick patch of willows. And you try to retrace the steps that got you there in your mind, but you've already forgotten them.

There are bad parts of hiking, too. The sweat on your back where your pack rides. The chafing between your legs by the end. The sunburn on your nose the next day that makes you regret not bringing sunscreen. And by the end of the hike, tiny rocks press through the soles of your shoes and feel like glass shards threatening to pop your blisters. And even when you walk on smooth ground, the bones in your feet feel like rusty cables rubbing against each other.

It always seems that you can't take another step. Then when you get to the end you think, "I could have done another mile."

Yesterday, when I was hiking, there was a lot of time for thinking and retrospect-ing. And I thought a lot about the last year.

It's been a year since I met Nathan; a year since my life changed forever. It's been unbelievable. I wish I wouldn't have been afraid to keep a journal about what it felt like to hold a boy's hand for the first time. How giddy and undeserving I felt. How nauseous thoughts of leading the Church made me feel. Yet how liberated I became. And how hesitant I was, at times, to embrace that liberation.

And later, how painful it was to come out to my parents. How painful it is, still, to know that they're disappointed. How wonderful all of you were on the day I came out to the world.

How there have been 365 days in the last year that I woke up without a conflicted cloud over my thoughts.

So now I'm writing down how it feels. So I won't forget any more. How it feels to know that despite what anyone says, it is my life, and I'm the chief navigator.

God (if he's out there) made me just the way I am. And he made me capable of making decisions about whether or not he exists. I am capable of finding a spiritual path that makes sense and feels right for me.

I thought (before all of this happened) that it would all feel like a massive self-betrayal. That I would lose my moral compass and I would drift slowly into sadness. But it's been just the opposite. I've felt curious about the world, about issues that matter in the world, about being kind to those around me. I've felt compelled to be honest, even when it's hard (still working on this one). Most of all, I am steady and I am happy.

And though I've already forgotten a lot of the steps that have gotten me to where I am, the view from here is pretty damn good.

Top 6 poorly punctuated things I'm loving right now in the 5 minutes before I go to bed.

2009-05-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

1. Hedwig.
2. The weather (summer? are you really there or are you teasing me?).
3. My plans for the future (the future, the future, the future is ours... right now! 10 points if you catch that allusion)
4. My $5 hoodie from Target clearance.
5. Club sandwiches.
6. My friends who come to the rescue on broken heart days.

San Fran, here I come...

2009-05-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

So for those of you who don't know, I'm going to San Fran with my friend Kayte at the end of the month... I can't wait.

Well, I was using Google Street View and saw the following thing and just had to share. What a find! Click on the pic to make it larger if you need to.

How I know I'm a homo.

2009-05-06T11:11:00.001-07:00

You know what? I don't even know if girls check me out. I've noticed once or twice in my lifetime.

And I've noticed guys checking me out about the same number of times (excepting, of course, gay bars, NYC, San Francisco, and the Gateway, which are smorgasbords).

And it's funny how much different it is. Sure it's nice to feel attractive (as a gay man) to members of the opposite sex. But today when I saw a cute gay boy at Great Harvest, made eyes and had eyes made in return... let's just say I'm in dreamland (I'll refrain from describing here his cerulean eyes, his cute hat and perfect arms... oh those arms!).

And that's how I know.

Potpourri!

2009-04-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

I've had a ton of things I wanted to post on my blog lately. So here they are. First, a song. Beware of the F-bomb in this one. And look for the cuteness at 1:56. News to Jay Brannan... I want to be YOUR housewife.

Next, a picture. This is from Saturday night when I attended the Kinsey Sicks (A drag show in Idaho Falls! And at the Colonial Theatre! And sponsored by the Arts Council!). The premise of the show was a bunch of women (played by men, duh) who were hosts of a morning show similar to the view called, "Wake the Hell Up America." It was hilarious. And embarassingly, I was guest #3. River City Weekly sponsored the event, so I got to go to the after party. Here's my boss Melody and I with the girls! It was so fun. And so great to have an event like this in Idaho Falls. And so well-supported!
And third, some stories. I went to Utah to visit a friend this past weekend. I stayed with him in Logan and we drove to Salt Lake and went to the art walk and dancing at a gay club. It was so fun. It was busy, and I even saw a person I know.

And on Sunday, I went to my first PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) meeting (Idaho Falls chapter). It was a delight. Lots of good people there, and something I wasn't expecting... gay couples with children. It was fantastic to see gay people living so normally, so happily, with their children. Not a large chapter, I'm guessing, but they were so supportive. We even played gay bingo (that means instead of saying Bingo! you say Fabulous! - that's the only difference); I won three times.

And also, Rachel and I are going to the U2 concert in Las Vegas on October 23! Dream of my life.

And another also... did you notice I'm on Twitter?

OK, enough rambling, and especially, enough gay rambling. Mmmm... bye.

Top 6 things that make me weepy.

2009-04-15T19:28:00.001-07:00

Me and my friends have a few words that seem to describe feelings we often have. The most often used one is weepy (not that this is THAT unique of a word... but it seems to describe how I feel A LOT). Weepy (adj.) - Swelling of emotion within one's chest. Approaching, but not achieving tears. Often accompanied by a lurch to control sudden onset. Not an unpleasant emotion.

So, without further ado, here's the top 6 things that make me weepy. Some serious, some ridiculous. And in no particular order...

6. Planet Earth. Have you seen it? There's this part where they are filming flying down a river, and suddenly the river drops from below them to create the most breathtaking waterfall (the tallest in the world, I think). It makes me dizzy. And weepy.

5. Infant cuddling. Soren before bedtime. Gareth drooling on my shirt. I'd be more eager to have children of my own some day if it involved more cuddling.

4. AIDS. Every time I read an account of someone dying from AIDS, a movie about AIDS, or anything else regarding suffering because of the disease...

3. The Newsies soundtrack. "Pulitzer and Hearst, they think we're nothin'. Are we nothin'? No!"

2. People stuck in the closet.

1. This American Life. Ira Glass and that pregnant pause. Oh the stories! Love.

I'm coming out, I'm a gastrosexual...

2009-04-12T20:53:00.001-07:00

I was listening to a food show on NPR today, and they were talking about a new breed of man, a gastrosexual. This means you prepare food to seduce lovers (the host said that it was sexist to say that only men could be gastrosexuals). Well, I can't say I've ever used food in that way, exactly, but I do love sharing a good meal. Miss Catherine was in town this weekend; what a delightful weekend we've had! (Mostly, this post is to show off the fancy presentation I did on the steak quesadilla we shared!)

My top 6 coming out conversations.

2009-04-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

This was going to be a top 5 list, but alas, I couldn't decide which to leave out. And really, the only one that is properly ranked is #1. At the time, some of these weren't as funny as they seem now. Maybe they aren't funny, I don't know. Anyway, enjoy!

6. "So, I'm gay." "Oh." (Mark)
5. "Do you even like girls?" "Nope." (to my brother)
4. "You're lying." "Never been more truthful." "You're lying." "How can I get you to believe me?" "I don't know, you're lying." (several friends)
3. "I'm gay." "No you're not." (to my other brother)
2. "I'm gay." "I know." (to Rachel)
1. "So ... I'm gay." "I'm cutting the chicken!" (Loriann)

A short description of my type of humor.

2009-04-05T19:01:00.000-07:00

Home, again.

2009-04-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

I won't lie to you. I love the Mormon Church. My life would be SO MUCH EASIER right now if I weren't transitioning away from it. Those I love the most live good, Mormon lives. And my change in ideology can certainly drive wedges between us.

During my last semester at BYU-Idaho, I began attending the Unitarian Universalist Church in Idaho Falls.
There I found a community of people like me. Not gay, per se (though there are some), but people who recognized the ambiguous nature of the world. People who have likewise been left empty and questioning by answers provided by mainstream religion. And people who were actively seeking truth, but not necessarily expecting to find it.

And now I sing in the choir.

Because among the UUs, I feel at home, at peace, in fellowship.

A story about my first time at the UU: At the Idaho Falls UU, there's a portion of the service where members of the congregation can light candles of joy, concern or candles to mark important life milestones. So this lady goes up and talks about how she had lost her cat. She expressed her deep concern, and kept talking and talking, "... and I don't believe in prayer, so I won't ask you to pray for poor Baxter..." And in my head I thought, "This lady is bat shit crazy."

And afterwards, I saw UUs approaching this lady and showing her compassion, expressing concern.

I'm not saying that this behavior isn't found in the Mormon Church; I'm saying that I've been blessed and have grown in this compassionate environment. Many have made a special effort to remember my name, visit with me after service or involve me in activities.

I just want to say that the UU church fills my soul. I find happiness there every Sunday. And I leave feeling sane again, and able to tackle a new week. That's what I think church is all about.

Let's hear it for Iowa!

2009-04-05T18:47:00.001-07:00

I'm turning 25, it's time to settle down.

2009-04-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Meet the two newest members of the family, Wordsworth and Percy.

Legalizing Same Sex Marriage: A Strength to the Institution

2009-04-01T16:29:00.000-07:00

(OK, so I saved my upper-level writing class for my last semester. And it's a shame, because it was one of my favorites, and I really feel like I could have used a lot of the things I learned in that class in previous semesters. Anyway, this is my final paper for your enjoyment... an argument for same-sex marriage. Also, it's long. Also, sorry this blog is so homosexuality-centric. I promise to blog about something else soon. Turns out I have a lot to get off my chest.)

Within the last ten years, same sex marriage has come to the surface of the United States' political climate and will likely be one of the largest political issues of this generation. Opinions are vast and varied on the subject, and the issue is extraordinarily complex. But for me, the issue comes down to basic human rights. Arguments abound about the damage that granting same sex marriages will do to the institution of marriage in general.

Gary Bauer, a conservative American politician, is clear about his views on granting same-sex unions. "Granting same-sex unions the same moral and legal standing as marriage is destructive of society's most important institution. At a time when Americans increasingly are concerned over the breakdown of the family, marriage and morality, this action is extremely damaging" (qtd. in Raspberry 91). But if same sex marriages continue to be outlawed, society would be overlooking consequences that may jeopardize the importance of the marriage they are trying to protect.

The institution of marriage has undergone extraordinary change in the last century. The introduction of contraceptives in 1960 alone has lead to a significant change in average marriage age among young women (from age 23 for those born from 1930 to 1950 to age 25.5 for those born in 1957). In this decade, 70 to 75 percent of people agree that a man or a woman can have a full and complete life without getting married (Hodder). Since the 1960s, the proportion of those who marry in the United States has decreased by 50 percent. (LaSala) But despite these changes in marriage, Americans are still very prone to marriage (Hodder). Both conservatives and same-sex marriage proponents agree that marriage is the building block of society and promote its importance (LaSala).

This is because with marriage comes a responsibility and commitment (witnessed by the state) between those marrying beyond any commitment made before. Those engaged promise to care for one another, to strengthen and give stability to one another. This commitment adds a binding agent for families, a result of the public nature of the rite. This commitment "reminds spouses, during the rough patches, of what they mean to each other, by reminding them of what their marriage means to people who love them" (Rauch).

However, the strength of marriage does waver. Columnist William Raspberry says, "The Lowering of the barriers against sex outside of marriage, as we countenance out-of-wedlock births, teenage sex and other formerly prohibited activities, threatens marriage. A lot of people want to have extramarital sex. Reducing the sanctions against something people want to do will lead more people to do it" (Raspberry 92).

As homosexuals have become a more mainstream part of society, committed homosexual couples have begun to enjoy some of the government and societal benefits of a committed relationship given through civil unions. Most homosexuals agree that these rights are better than nothing, a temporary fix and a step in the right direction. However, these civil unions quickly become what author Jonathan Rauch calls "Marriage-Lite." These unions provide the benefits of Marriage with a seemingly lower commitment level (Rauch).

While several states have offered civil unions, the definitions of these unions is varied. Several states and many cities have required some sort of domestic partner registry because the definition of a "partner" can be varied (what's the difference between a roommate and a partner?). Some unions provide hospital visitation and child care leave rights for same-sex couples. In the past, to be terminated, Californians only had to mail in a form signed by one member of the civil union to terminate it. Some states recognize other states' unions, most do not. Because these benefits are offered by states and not federally, the variation among unions does not stop there. These benefits do not usually cross state lines since most states don't offer such unions and because there is no Federal standard to unify these unions (Rauch).

Herein lies the danger of not legalizing same-sex marriages. Since these civil union and domestic partnership programs have been offered in certain states , about two-thirds of programs also provide benefits for opposite-sex couples, providing an option other than marriage. Like choosing from a menu at a restaurant, a young couple wishing to make a societal commitment 20 years from now may face a smorgasbord of commitment options.

It is true that implementing same-sex marriage is a radical redefinition of what marriage is. It would be an unprecedented societal change. But the idea of marriage would be strengthened if it were available to all citizens (Sullivan 95-97). If marriage were granted to same-sex couples, it would certainly mean that there was a new definition of marriage in the United States. But isn't a new definition better than an indefinable one?

Rauch agrees, "There is no substitute for marriage, and trying to concoct one is hazardous business. … Conservatives may argue that allowing gay marriage endangers matrimony for straights; in fact, creating alternatives to marriage, such as civil unions, is far more likely to undermine the institution of marriage. Both for gays and for society, only marriage will really do. Only marriage is marriage" (Rauch).

But perhaps a state offers only the most traditional union to straight couples only. Isn't this a protection of marriage? Not exactly. Since the 1970s, 45 states have passed Defense of Marriage statues defining marriage as a heterosexual union. For conservatives, this may seem like a victory. However, California, perhaps the most liberal state when it comes to gay unions, is among these states (States Address Gay Marriage). However, as time progresses, homosexuality is becoming more broadly accepted as a legitimate lifestyle.

Without gay marriage, gay people will continue to cohabitate and have sex. They will still desire to make commitments to each other. And they will. Freedom to marry among the gay population will provide a path to commitment that is otherwise lacking among the population. Acknowledging that persons in a same-sex relationship have the same address seems to be the best gay couples can get as far as government recognition in some states. Without a societal commitment system for gays in these states, cohabitation would follow homosexuality on the road to mainstream. Wouldn't this weaken the idea of marriage?

Instead, providing marriage for same sex partners would promote monogamy and therefore strengthen marriage. Though some members of the male homosexual population almost certainly are more sexually active and have more sexual partners than heterosexual men (and enjoy this privilege), others crave the stability and commitment of a marriage (Sullivan 96). Providing an option to marry for same-sex couples would provide an avenue that would certainly promote monogamy in the gay sub-culture and in broader American culture. Any increase in monogamy is a point for the strength of marriage in society.

Some argue that it is not marriage at all that is the problem. The problem is the ability of married couples to have children that is the problem.

"Research clearly demonstrates that family structure matters for children, and the family structure that helps children the most is a family headed by two biological parents in a low-conflict marriage. Children in single-parent families, children born to unmarried mothers, and children in step-families or cohabitating relationships face higher risks of poor outcomes…. There is thus value for children in promoting strong, stable marriages between biological parents" (qtd. in Gallagher, "Children Need Mothers and Fathers").

Who could argue that those growing up in healthy, "low-conflict" homes are the happiest; they turn out the best. Truly a one father, one mother situation is the best situation for rearing a child. This argument, however, is a blind one. Aren't each of us reared in less-than-perfect conditions? Even straight couples are prone to abuse, addictions, discipline problems and infidelity—certainly a few of the many less-than-advantageous situations children are reared in.

Wouldn't a healthy gay home be a healthier and more stable environment for an otherwise unwanted child than a relentless series of foster homes, or no homes at all? Adoptions for gay couples should be considered as any adoption is considered, on a case-by-case basis.

Some argue that granting same-sex marriage would threaten religious rights of those religions that teach against homosexuality, "for if orientation is like race, then people who oppose gay marriage will be treated under law like bigots who opposed interracial marriage. Sure, we don't arrest people for being racists, but the law does intervene in powerful ways to punish and discourage racial discrimination, not only by government, but also by private entities" (Gallagher, "Banned in Boston").

In 2006, Catholic Charities of Boston announced that because its conflict with adoption to same-sex couples, it was getting out of the adoption business (the Catholic Church professes that homosexuality is morally wrong). In Massachusetts, as in other states, there are laws against orientation discrimination, and since the charity is partially state-sponsored, the charity had a conflict on its hands. Pleas were offered by Catholic Officials to Governor Mitt Romney for a religious exemption to orientation discrimination. But Romney responded that he didn't have authority to grant an exception, but that it would be left up to the State Legislature (none of whom supported the exemption). Writer Maggie Gallagher comments, "When religious-right leaders prophesy negative consequences from gay marriage, they are often seen as overwrought. The First Amendment, we are told, will protest religious groups from persecution for their views about marriage" (Gallagher, "Banned in Boston").

However, this threat to religious freedom (which I believe is legitimate), is merely brought to our attention by same sex marriage. It is not a result of granting same sex unions in Massachusetts. Wouldn't there still be moral ambiguities and conflict between religion and government if same-sex unions were eliminated in Massachusetts? Of course there would. Same sex marriage is not the cause of this moral conflict, it is simply and indicator of it. It indicates weakness in free speech and freedom of religion law. And with these repairs made, won't we be better off anyway?

Granting same sex marriage will, essentially, keep things simple when it comes to the government issuance of marriage contracts. Ambiguities among civil unions and varied definitions of marriage will be distilled to one, unified marriage that is offered to any two people regardless of sex. It will promote monogamy and commitment among those who already strive to do so.

After all, aren't the strongest policies the simple ones?

Works Cited

Gallagher, Maggie. "What Marriage is For" Weekly Standard August 4-11 2003: 22-25. SIRS Researcher. SIRS Knowledge Source. David O. McKay Library, Rexburg, ID. 26 November 2008 .

---. "It's the Final Step in Killing Marriage" Reading and Writing Short Arguments. 5th ed. Ed William Vesterman. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006. 94.

Gallagher, Maggie. "Banned in Boston" Weekly Standard May 15, 2006: 20-26. SIRS Researcher. SIRS Knowledge Source. David O. McKay Library, Rexburg, ID. 26 November 2008 .

Hodder, Harbour Fraser. "The Future of Marriage" Harvard Magazine November/December 2004: 38+. SIRS Researcher. SIRS Knowledge Source. David O. McKay Library, Rexburg, ID. 26 November 2008 .

Raspberry, William. "Why Fear Same-Sex Marriages?" Reading and Writing Short Arguments. 5th ed. Ed William Vesterman. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006. 91-92.

Rauch, Jonathan. "Dire Straights" Washington Monthly April 2004: 20-23. SIRS Researcher. SIRS Knowledge Source. David O. McKay Library, Rexburg, ID. 26 November 2008 .

"States Address Gay Marriage" Stateline.org May 25, 2008. SIRS Researcher. SIRS Knowledge Source. David O. McKay Library, Rexburg, ID. 26 November 2008 .

Sullivan, Andrew. "Commited Couples would Stabilize Society" Reading and Writing Short Arguments. 5th ed. Ed William Vesterman. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2006. 95-97.

To my 16 year old self.

2009-03-29T15:17:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few months ago. It's a letter to myself, 8 years ago. I thought it might be a good exercise, and it was. And well, it's not doing me any good hanging out on my hard drive...

Hey you. It's me. Yeah me, 8 years from now. Seems weird, doesn't it, that you'll get here.

You are cool, buddy. You are. You're going to learn this over the next few years. Be yourself and allow people to love you for who you are. That's what you (I) did. And it's worked out pretty well. I'm still learning how to do that, but it's still working.

I feel like I should warn you about what to do and what not to do. But I won't. Because every mistake you make becomes a part of you that can't be replaced. There's shit coming (I know you'd look down on me a little for saying that word), and there's the good stuff too. Remember that that's what life's about. Remember that shit and the good stuff add up to experience. And experience is what makes you who you are (And, incidentally, who I am. This is getting funny.)

I don't remember much about being in your mind. I don't remember what the future looked like for you. But know that the future is unknown. Embrace the fact that even you will be surprised at what the outcome of the next few years will be.

This is who you are 8 years from now. You are smart. You are funny (at least to yourself). You are talented. You are an artist. You are confident. You are happy. You are also gay.

I guess this is why I'm writing this letter. I want you to know that it's OK. It is going to work out. And I guess that where you are in your life, it doesn't really matter all that much. You don't think about it too often, do you?

In a few short years, though, the shit is going to hit the fan (there's that word again).

I remember being you, hoping some day to make a difference in the world. I remember praying for wisdom. Prayers are heard, Nick, they are. Sometimes the answers seem cruel and are unexpected, but don't be afraid of that kind of answer. It seems like these answers are the ones that bring about the greatest change in you.

Be open to those answers and understand that what God says to you is not always what others say to you. I'm not going to tell you what to do about being gay. Knowing the outcome would cheapen the experience for you.

It is great to be gay. It sometimes will seem like the most repugnant, rancid part of you. But trust me, it certainly is not. As time goes on, you'll learn to love you (or me?).

But I've just gotta say, be brave. March into the eye of the storm. You will conquer there. Don't be afraid of the world, because there's a place for you in it. And don't be afraid of people, because you are one of them.

Remember that it is your life and that you get to decide what it will be. Don't worry about what others will think. Believe what you believe. Be curious, be understanding and be open minded.

But know that life doesn't get easier. Don't expect it to. But I do think it gets better. It will get better, my friend, it just keeps getting better.

I'll walk with you, I'll talk with you...

2009-03-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

If you are, or have ever been Mormon, you probably know the Primary song, "I'll Walk With You," by Carol Lynn Pearson. Rumor has it, the song was inspired by or directed toward gay members of the church. Whether this is true or not, I can't be sure. But if I got to choose, it would be. If you need evidence, it's here.

Anyhow, when my favorite two year old asked for me to put him to bed tonight (I, of course, was delighted), I sang "I'll Walk With You."

But don't worry, I didn't stop there. My next song was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." And the one after that? "Any Dream Will Do" from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

I just have one question... how did you not know?

OK, to be fair, I know most of you had an inkling, at least.

Bless these Holy things.

2009-03-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

I've been reading "Come Be my Light," a book about Mother Theresa. It's good. But that's beside the point. I'm finding myself quite enamored with Catholicism. Not like I'm going to convert or anything, but more like this:

Lately, I've had this huge urge to bless things like a Catholic Priest. Sign of the cross and all. You know how it goes. For example, after spending a few hours organizing the archive at work, it was everything I could do to stop myself from blessing the Holy Archive.

So, without further ado, here I go blessing things in my life. Jesus style. (Or King James style?)

Bless the Holy Internet, with which there was much drought. (I'll spare you the deets, but hopefully I'll now be posting here more than, you know, every three weeks.)
Bless my Holy Housewares, without which, I would be very sad.
Bless the Holy Netflix.
Bless my Holy Friends, old and new.
Bless the Holy Snake River Valley, O Lord, that it may thaw.
Bless the Holy WinCo.
Bless the Holy Meadows, and their Holy Amenities, the Holy Hot Tub, and the Holy Weight Room.
Bless the Holy BLT and Ricotta Sandwich.
Bless the Holy Villa Coffeehouse.

And for the sake of job security, Bless the Holy River City Weekly, and its Holy Archive.

That's the short list, folks; but seriously... bless all of you. In response to the last post, I received nothing but the best kind of support from all of you. People came out of the woodwork fo' real. And it was awesome. Made for one of the best days/weeks of my life in recent memory.

I've got something to say.

2009-02-24T12:41:00.000-08:00

Have you seen 'Milk?' It is an absolutely beautiful film.

I really love what Harvey Milk, a gay activist, said. "People need to know that we are here. People need to know one of us and, if by so knowing, they still hate gay people, they hate us for who we are and not for who they imagine us to be."

With that said, I'm gay.

So if I'm your first openly gay friend, then good for you! (I think posting this publicly now makes me openly gay, which is a funny feeling.)

Each time I have come clean about my orientation to a friend or a family member, I've felt a little funny. Nobody has been completely surprised or blind to the signs. More than once, after I dropped the "I'm gay" bomb, I've been tempted to say something like, "weird, huh!" (I actually did once, when coming out to my brother) Like out of all the people we've heard about being gay in this world, someone so close to you turned out to be one of them. Actually, this even happens to me. Sometimes I get weirded out and I'm like, "Out of all the people in this world, I turned out to be one of them? How did that happen?"

Like most gays, I've felt something was "different" about me since I was born. During adolescence, I realized my attraction, but saw it as something that would go away, that could be overcome. After my mission, I began to understand the unchangable nature of my "condition," yet desired to find a female eternal companion. The last year has been an incredible journey and I feel as though I am a formerly caged bird liberated. My happiness has soared and heart has resonated as I have finally become comfortable with who I am. My homosexuality is an integral, unchangeable part of my soul. It is (as far as I am concerned) a gift of God to be this way, and most days I'm able to say, "It's great to be gay!"

It seems like every human emotion conceivable has been part of "coming to terms" with my gayness. I've felt overwhelming and oppressive sadness, depression and angst. I've felt lonely and unloved. I've felt sequestered without solace. But recently, I've felt a sense of steadiness, rightness and competency as a human being. I have felt peace and respite. I used to wake up in the morning with feelings of conflict and inner turmoil. Now I wake up and feel everything. My heart is so free and open, and I feel like a child looking up close at a flower for the very first time or discovering that clouds morph as they travel across the sky. Most importantly, I've felt love. Real, genuine love. My friends and family who I've told have been nothing short of beautiful in their support of me in my journey. Coming out of the closet is a horrifying experience at times, and I've been met with nothing but love and people seeking to understand my situation.

Most importantly, perhaps, I've felt what it's like to love and to be loved, romantically. I didn't realize what an important and soul-healing miracle mutual attraction and romantic interest was. Developing more than a platonic attraction for someone induced the many peace-filled days since meeting my first boyfriend.

This comes as a shock to many of you, I'm sure. I'm talking about the fact that I've gone against the teachings of the Mormon Church and sought a romantic relationship with a man. And honestly, I probably would have considered myself damned had I known where I would be now a few years ago. Being true to my attractions in this new way has allowed my soul to speak and to grow more than it has in a few months as it did in years. I have improved in my talents more in past months than in my whole college career. My ability to improve morally and see myself as I really am has increased exponentially. I no longer live in fear, but live in joy.

I'm still conflicted about the Church. I have so many feelings about the organization. I spent two years professing it as truth to a bunch of New Yorkers and Vermonters. I loved it. But now I feel that have found my place in the world, and it doesn't include the Church. I have stumbled on a more authentic set of beliefs for myself. I recognize that I may have been lead carefully down to Hell. I also recognize that I may simply have been led. The latter feels more authentic for me, as I am happier than I have ever been. But the fact is, I'll probably never know, and I'll always have questions about my life. When it comes to things like this, life is so complex. But my attractions have allowed me to understand my beliefs more deeply than I could have imagined.

So for now, love is too good to deny. And though my first relationship ended almost 6 months ago, the results of that love in my life have been overwhelmingly positive.

I apologize to people I've hurt because of my confusion. Mostly to ex-girlfriends, those I've been rude to as they've prodded me about marriage, and my family, whom I've distanced myself from for fear of being found out. I recognize that this post may be hard for some close to me who wish I'd stay more in the closet than I'm choosing to.

I realize that my journey is far from over (who's journey is ever really over, even at death?), and that I've got a long way to go as far as understanding this world. But like my therapist Geoff said, "It doesn't matter what you believe, Nick. Just that you do." So that's what I'm doing. I'm living my life. I'm believing that I'm an authentic human being. I'm believing that love is love no matter who it is directed towards. I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore. Because to me, that's what living is all about.

I don't know why I feel the need to announce this on my blog. But I do. I feel like all those of you who know me, need to know that I'm a good person AND gay. And mostly, I want you to know that I am happy. More happy than I've ever been before.

If you know someone else who is gay, especially gay and mormon, reach out to them, please love them like I've been loved. I'm lucky to have been able to reconcile my faith and my orientation. Others live lives of conflict. Others turn to suicide.

I'm am allowing comments on this post. I thought about not doing it, but I am. But things like this turn into sappy dramas too often. Or conflicty dramas. Either way, my life will not be reduced to a soap opera. So if you've got something dramatic to say, email me.