I've got something to say.

Have you seen 'Milk?' It is an absolutely beautiful film.

I really love what Harvey Milk, a gay activist, said. "People need to know that we are here. People need to know one of us and, if by so knowing, they still hate gay people, they hate us for who we are and not for who they imagine us to be."

With that said, I'm gay.

So if I'm your first openly gay friend, then good for you! (I think posting this publicly now makes me openly gay, which is a funny feeling.)

Each time I have come clean about my orientation to a friend or a family member, I've felt a little funny. Nobody has been completely surprised or blind to the signs. More than once, after I dropped the "I'm gay" bomb, I've been tempted to say something like, "weird, huh!" (I actually did once, when coming out to my brother) Like out of all the people we've heard about being gay in this world, someone so close to you turned out to be one of them. Actually, this even happens to me. Sometimes I get weirded out and I'm like, "Out of all the people in this world, I turned out to be one of them? How did that happen?"

Like most gays, I've felt something was "different" about me since I was born. During adolescence, I realized my attraction, but saw it as something that would go away, that could be overcome. After my mission, I began to understand the unchangable nature of my "condition," yet desired to find a female eternal companion. The last year has been an incredible journey and I feel as though I am a formerly caged bird liberated. My happiness has soared and heart has resonated as I have finally become comfortable with who I am. My homosexuality is an integral, unchangeable part of my soul. It is (as far as I am concerned) a gift of God to be this way, and most days I'm able to say, "It's great to be gay!"

It seems like every human emotion conceivable has been part of "coming to terms" with my gayness. I've felt overwhelming and oppressive sadness, depression and angst. I've felt lonely and unloved. I've felt sequestered without solace. But recently, I've felt a sense of steadiness, rightness and competency as a human being. I have felt peace and respite. I used to wake up in the morning with feelings of conflict and inner turmoil. Now I wake up and feel everything. My heart is so free and open, and I feel like a child looking up close at a flower for the very first time or discovering that clouds morph as they travel across the sky. Most importantly, I've felt love. Real, genuine love. My friends and family who I've told have been nothing short of beautiful in their support of me in my journey. Coming out of the closet is a horrifying experience at times, and I've been met with nothing but love and people seeking to understand my situation.

Most importantly, perhaps, I've felt what it's like to love and to be loved, romantically. I didn't realize what an important and soul-healing miracle mutual attraction and romantic interest was. Developing more than a platonic attraction for someone induced the many peace-filled days since meeting my first boyfriend.

This comes as a shock to many of you, I'm sure. I'm talking about the fact that I've gone against the teachings of the Mormon Church and sought a romantic relationship with a man. And honestly, I probably would have considered myself damned had I known where I would be now a few years ago. Being true to my attractions in this new way has allowed my soul to speak and to grow more than it has in a few months as it did in years. I have improved in my talents more in past months than in my whole college career. My ability to improve morally and see myself as I really am has increased exponentially. I no longer live in fear, but live in joy.

I'm still conflicted about the Church. I have so many feelings about the organization. I spent two years professing it as truth to a bunch of New Yorkers and Vermonters. I loved it. But now I feel that have found my place in the world, and it doesn't include the Church. I have stumbled on a more authentic set of beliefs for myself. I recognize that I may have been lead carefully down to Hell. I also recognize that I may simply have been led. The latter feels more authentic for me, as I am happier than I have ever been. But the fact is, I'll probably never know, and I'll always have questions about my life. When it comes to things like this, life is so complex. But my attractions have allowed me to understand my beliefs more deeply than I could have imagined.

So for now, love is too good to deny. And though my first relationship ended almost 6 months ago, the results of that love in my life have been overwhelmingly positive.

I apologize to people I've hurt because of my confusion. Mostly to ex-girlfriends, those I've been rude to as they've prodded me about marriage, and my family, whom I've distanced myself from for fear of being found out. I recognize that this post may be hard for some close to me who wish I'd stay more in the closet than I'm choosing to.

I realize that my journey is far from over (who's journey is ever really over, even at death?), and that I've got a long way to go as far as understanding this world. But like my therapist Geoff said, "It doesn't matter what you believe, Nick. Just that you do." So that's what I'm doing. I'm living my life. I'm believing that I'm an authentic human being. I'm believing that love is love no matter who it is directed towards. I'm not afraid to make mistakes anymore. Because to me, that's what living is all about.

I don't know why I feel the need to announce this on my blog. But I do. I feel like all those of you who know me, need to know that I'm a good person AND gay. And mostly, I want you to know that I am happy. More happy than I've ever been before.

If you know someone else who is gay, especially gay and mormon, reach out to them, please love them like I've been loved. I'm lucky to have been able to reconcile my faith and my orientation. Others live lives of conflict. Others turn to suicide.

I'm am allowing comments on this post. I thought about not doing it, but I am. But things like this turn into sappy dramas too often. Or conflicty dramas. Either way, my life will not be reduced to a soap opera. So if you've got something dramatic to say, email me.