How it feels to grow up gay and Mormon.

*Disclaimer: There's a lot of anger in this post about the Mormon Church. And I know lots of you who read this blog are active Mormons. You've been warned.*

Many of you have probably come across the pamphlet distributed by the Mormon Church called, "To Young Men Only." By and large, it deals with sexuality, masturbation and homosexuality without actually saying any of those words, I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, as one having "problems" with masturbation as a kid (what male doesn't), I read this pamphlet over and over. I even considered memorizing it, to help me overcome the "problem" with my "factory."

Anyhow, I flipped through it today as I was cleaning my apartment, and my heart sank at the following passage. I remember being about 15 years old and reading this. And to be honest, I'm pretty damn pissed off in retrospect.

"There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just "that way" and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mis-matching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—masculine, manly men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers."

Sigh. I remember how broken I felt. How determined I was to correct my attraction. Now I see this passage as full of misunderstanding and lies (how would a Mormon transgender person feel?). So full, in fact, that the Church's stance on the source of homosexuality has since changed to a "we don't know" approach.

The thing is, is I don't feel like I'm supposed to be a "masculine, manly" man. I'm supposed to be me. That conclusion took me years to arrive at. And to really believe it took even longer. But now, I feel like I am who I am. And like you, I feel like I'm going to be me for a really long time.

Also, there is nothing "malicious and destructive" about love. And that's all there is to be said about that.

In "The Miracle of Forgiveness" I read that my homosexuality was not just the way I was, but CAUSED by masturbation. That's right. I learned that I myself had caused my own homosexuality. I perceived it as God's punishment for playing with myself.

In the middle of my "reparative therapy" at the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center, my research revealed that effective psychological "treatment" for homosexuality was not only highly unlikely, but considered unethical by the modern world.

So forgive me if this post is full of anger and angst. It's just that I see this sort of thing still happening. I see people not being affirmed for who they are. I see people trapped in dogmas (Mormon and otherwise) that don't accept them for being them. I read blogs of individuals who feel rejected by a Church, yet can't leave it. And it brings me a lot of pain.

Also, my factory runs just fine, thank you very much.