Nick's dating tips.

I've been going on a lot of first dates lately. And it's excruciating. OH THE AWKWARDITY!

So I've come up with a few simple tips to assuage the terribleness of first dates. Here we go.

1. Expect your date to be a hot mess. So when the date doesn't end with a broken drag heel, running mascara and crying in the gutter, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. Make a list of questions to ask beforehand. Here are some suggestions:

-Aren't I adorable?

-Will you pick up the tab?

-How does one know if they have Herpes, hypothetically?

-Wouldn't you rather get a makeover at the MAC counter?

3. If the date is going really well, delve into some deeper topics:

-Look at my ass in these jeans!

-Buy me another beer, you bitch!

-OK, so what's your hottest celeb sex fantasy? Dead or alive.

-What's your middle name?

4. And if the date is boring, you might try making a friend instead and asking some intellectual questions like:

-Do you have friends?

-Are any of them cute?

-Are any of them single?

-What are their numbers?

-Will you have sex with me?

5. If you don't know if the date is going well, you're in a tough spot. I find it effective to always assume the worst: That your date has four tongues, two of which are poisonous and scaly. And his tail will rip through his jeans at any moment while he screams, "HA! You're a fool! I'm really an alien lizard!"

6. Find out up front what the other person is looking for. So are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you just casually dating? Do you like sex toys?

7. And lastly but not leastly, be confident. You have nothing to hide. If someone falls in love with you, you want it to be because they love you for who you are. Besides, I already published all your deepest secrets to the Internet. And everyone already knows your hottest celeb sex fantasy is me.