Six reasons you should be jealous.

1. A brand new pair of Diesel jeans. They were $40. I know. What. A. Deal.
2. My new roommates.
3. A cooking buddy usually within 100 feet of me.
4. Asserting my manliness by wrestling a 2-year-old to the ground.:)
5. The Tautphaus Park Zoo. It is a perfect zoo of perfect size. Best of all, no pandas.
6. The most delicious meat of my life. Kabobs and brats. Wish that would have lasted forever.

Goodbye beard.

How it feels to grow up gay and Mormon.

*Disclaimer: There's a lot of anger in this post about the Mormon Church. And I know lots of you who read this blog are active Mormons. You've been warned.*

Many of you have probably come across the pamphlet distributed by the Mormon Church called, "To Young Men Only." By and large, it deals with sexuality, masturbation and homosexuality without actually saying any of those words, I'm pretty sure.

Anyway, as one having "problems" with masturbation as a kid (what male doesn't), I read this pamphlet over and over. I even considered memorizing it, to help me overcome the "problem" with my "factory."

Anyhow, I flipped through it today as I was cleaning my apartment, and my heart sank at the following passage. I remember being about 15 years old and reading this. And to be honest, I'm pretty damn pissed off in retrospect.

"There is a falsehood that some are born with an attraction to their own kind, with nothing they can do about it. They are just "that way" and can only yield to those desires. That is a malicious and destructive lie. While it is a convincing idea to some, it is of the devil. No one is locked into that kind of life. From our premortal life we were directed into a physical body. There is no mis-matching of bodies and spirits. Boys are to become men—masculine, manly men—ultimately to become husbands and fathers. No one is predestined to a perverted use of these powers."

Sigh. I remember how broken I felt. How determined I was to correct my attraction. Now I see this passage as full of misunderstanding and lies (how would a Mormon transgender person feel?). So full, in fact, that the Church's stance on the source of homosexuality has since changed to a "we don't know" approach.

The thing is, is I don't feel like I'm supposed to be a "masculine, manly" man. I'm supposed to be me. That conclusion took me years to arrive at. And to really believe it took even longer. But now, I feel like I am who I am. And like you, I feel like I'm going to be me for a really long time.

Also, there is nothing "malicious and destructive" about love. And that's all there is to be said about that.

In "The Miracle of Forgiveness" I read that my homosexuality was not just the way I was, but CAUSED by masturbation. That's right. I learned that I myself had caused my own homosexuality. I perceived it as God's punishment for playing with myself.

In the middle of my "reparative therapy" at the BYU-Idaho Counseling Center, my research revealed that effective psychological "treatment" for homosexuality was not only highly unlikely, but considered unethical by the modern world.

So forgive me if this post is full of anger and angst. It's just that I see this sort of thing still happening. I see people not being affirmed for who they are. I see people trapped in dogmas (Mormon and otherwise) that don't accept them for being them. I read blogs of individuals who feel rejected by a Church, yet can't leave it. And it brings me a lot of pain.

Also, my factory runs just fine, thank you very much.

My one year.

I love hiking. I went by myself yesterday and did Lower Palisades, it was delightful.

The appeal of hiking for me is that no matter how many times you have done a particular hike, it always seems like a new one, and at the same time, one you've done a million times. I love that a hike always seem longer, and shorter than when you've done it before. I love that when you're walking, you forget that you are, and suddenly you are somewhere else, overlooking a beautiful panorama, or a trail sneaking through a thick patch of willows. And you try to retrace the steps that got you there in your mind, but you've already forgotten them.

There are bad parts of hiking, too. The sweat on your back where your pack rides. The chafing between your legs by the end. The sunburn on your nose the next day that makes you regret not bringing sunscreen. And by the end of the hike, tiny rocks press through the soles of your shoes and feel like glass shards threatening to pop your blisters. And even when you walk on smooth ground, the bones in your feet feel like rusty cables rubbing against each other.

It always seems that you can't take another step. Then when you get to the end you think, "I could have done another mile."

Yesterday, when I was hiking, there was a lot of time for thinking and retrospect-ing. And I thought a lot about the last year.

It's been a year since I met Nathan; a year since my life changed forever. It's been unbelievable. I wish I wouldn't have been afraid to keep a journal about what it felt like to hold a boy's hand for the first time. How giddy and undeserving I felt. How nauseous thoughts of leading the Church made me feel. Yet how liberated I became. And how hesitant I was, at times, to embrace that liberation.

And later, how painful it was to come out to my parents. How painful it is, still, to know that they're disappointed. How wonderful all of you were on the day I came out to the world.

How there have been 365 days in the last year that I woke up without a conflicted cloud over my thoughts.

So now I'm writing down how it feels. So I won't forget any more. How it feels to know that despite what anyone says, it is my life, and I'm the chief navigator.

God (if he's out there) made me just the way I am. And he made me capable of making decisions about whether or not he exists. I am capable of finding a spiritual path that makes sense and feels right for me.

I thought (before all of this happened) that it would all feel like a massive self-betrayal. That I would lose my moral compass and I would drift slowly into sadness. But it's been just the opposite. I've felt curious about the world, about issues that matter in the world, about being kind to those around me. I've felt compelled to be honest, even when it's hard (still working on this one). Most of all, I am steady and I am happy.

And though I've already forgotten a lot of the steps that have gotten me to where I am, the view from here is pretty damn good.

Top 6 poorly punctuated things I'm loving right now in the 5 minutes before I go to bed.

1. Hedwig.
2. The weather (summer? are you really there or are you teasing me?).
3. My plans for the future (the future, the future, the future is ours... right now! 10 points if you catch that allusion)
4. My $5 hoodie from Target clearance.
5. Club sandwiches.
6. My friends who come to the rescue on broken heart days.

San Fran, here I come...

So for those of you who don't know, I'm going to San Fran with my friend Kayte at the end of the month... I can't wait.

Well, I was using Google Street View and saw the following thing and just had to share. What a find! Click on the pic to make it larger if you need to.

How I know I'm a homo.

You know what? I don't even know if girls check me out. I've noticed once or twice in my lifetime.

And I've noticed guys checking me out about the same number of times (excepting, of course, gay bars, NYC, San Francisco, and the Gateway, which are smorgasbords).

And it's funny how much different it is. Sure it's nice to feel attractive (as a gay man) to members of the opposite sex. But today when I saw a cute gay boy at Great Harvest, made eyes and had eyes made in return... let's just say I'm in dreamland (I'll refrain from describing here his cerulean eyes, his cute hat and perfect arms... oh those arms!).

And that's how I know.