Nick's dating tips.

I've been going on a lot of first dates lately. And it's excruciating. OH THE AWKWARDITY!

So I've come up with a few simple tips to assuage the terribleness of first dates. Here we go.

1. Expect your date to be a hot mess. So when the date doesn't end with a broken drag heel, running mascara and crying in the gutter, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. Make a list of questions to ask beforehand. Here are some suggestions:

-Aren't I adorable?

-Will you pick up the tab?

-How does one know if they have Herpes, hypothetically?

-Wouldn't you rather get a makeover at the MAC counter?

3. If the date is going really well, delve into some deeper topics:

-Look at my ass in these jeans!

-Buy me another beer, you bitch!

-OK, so what's your hottest celeb sex fantasy? Dead or alive.

-What's your middle name?

4. And if the date is boring, you might try making a friend instead and asking some intellectual questions like:

-Do you have friends?

-Are any of them cute?

-Are any of them single?

-What are their numbers?

-Will you have sex with me?

5. If you don't know if the date is going well, you're in a tough spot. I find it effective to always assume the worst: That your date has four tongues, two of which are poisonous and scaly. And his tail will rip through his jeans at any moment while he screams, "HA! You're a fool! I'm really an alien lizard!"

6. Find out up front what the other person is looking for. So are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you just casually dating? Do you like sex toys?

7. And lastly but not leastly, be confident. You have nothing to hide. If someone falls in love with you, you want it to be because they love you for who you are. Besides, I already published all your deepest secrets to the Internet. And everyone already knows your hottest celeb sex fantasy is me.

Watch this, you won't regret it.

"I also have shoes and, uh a face, so I like that about myself. And I like myself and I have a lot of other great qualities as well."

Ya'll been missing me?

I haven't updated in forevsies. Stream-of-conciousness awesomeness coming atcha. (This post is better if you read it in a fast-paced ADHD voice. Thank you.)

-Went to the Arts Fest. It was awesome. While leaving for afternoon cocktails at a nearby bar, a street preacher was yapping about how "I'm gay! Not homosexual! GAY MEANS HAPPY." Whatevs. He was weird. So I shouted and raised my hand, "I'm homosexual!" The line waiting to get in cheered. So proud of my 'lil moment.

-Shaved my head. Cut it all right off. Low maintenance hairstyle = amazing. PICTURE:

So yep, thats me looking oh-so-vogue sexy. Damn straight. Also note the tank top. I have purchased no less than 5 tank tops this summer. Couldn't be happier. Tank tops + no bed head ever = best summer ever.

-Got maself a clock radio. JK. Already had one.

-Injured... so no running. Outdid myself and made my knee hurt real bad on my 7.5 mile run. Now I can run an amazingly low 2 miles only without pain. Pissed, but lesson learned.

-But I did hire a personal trainer. He wants me to find a picture of what I want to look like when I'm done. Looked through no less than 1,327,451 pics online and finally found the one that was perfsies. HAWT man be me in 12 months or less.

-On the board for the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk for Life coming up in Sept. Can't wait. Them posters gonna be brills.

-Don't know what's with the Utah-preteen-gay-gangster-lol-catz talk. Srsly.

-Wuz on hotguysreadingbooks. With this fab pic:

Thanks be to my coworker K-W whom I love, for the picture.

-Summer is here and parties galore. Not that they weren't before. But now our parties have tiki torches. And I burned my hand on one cause I didn't know what I was doing, but now I know so ask me anything about tiki torches.

-Wish I could quit my job and ride my bike around the world. Just live like the little hipster that lives inside me but with more space and less guts. I'd play my uke at liberty park, but in my dreams there would be no oil spill. And I would have a better singing voice.

-Or I'd go to summer camp.

-Wish I was funny like this bitch. Watch out for that F-bomb straight up at the front.

-But I am funny. Was makin' everyone bust a gut at a recent party. A few quotes that were gems:

"Goddamnit! Guacomole and genocide!"

"What are you doing?" "Oh you know, just weaving placenta."

I know, you don't get it. I don't care, it's funnier this way. Promises promises.

-OMG watched "Funny Girl" for the first time. Love that Babs. She's the prettiest. AND, Carrie Bradshaw? I got news for you honey, you stole your moves straight up from that fine Jewish specimen. Guaranteed. I can just see Miss Jessica Parker (wish I could hate her) watching "Funny Girl" and stealin' every mannerism. Whatever.

-Just living the summer of love and amazingness here in SoSaLa (South Salt Lake, duh).

-Misses and kisses to you all.

For my fans

OH. MY. GOD. You guys are such stalkers. I wish you'd all quit emailing me for shirtless photos of myself. Argh! Anyway. Here. Shut up, already.

Run your very own gay 10k!

This.

A spelling lesson, sort of.

Now with more choppy editing!

My first video blog.

Six feelings I've been feeling a lot lately. Or, a post about my sexy new biceps.

1. Accomplishment. If you follow me on Twitter, or interact with me with any regularity, you've heard me say, "Have you seen my biceps?!" Then I probably peeled my skin-tight sleeve off of my bulging right bicep and showed you what I've been working on for the past 3 months. Vanity, no. Accomplishment, yes.

2. Weepiness. Have you SEEN 'Glee?' That is all.

3. The Holiday spirit. I fully planned on being a scrooge this year. So much for that.

4. Vanity. Because that definitely wasn't a part of #1. And because there's a lot of it in my life. And because I have the cutest winter boots.

5. Also, I'm in love. Oh wait. No. No, I'm not.

6. Did I mention my biceps?

Onehelluvayear

Today at work my coworkers and I were discussing the approaching new year. After the discussion, I thought about 2009. HOLY SHIT. It's been a crazy one.

Just cause I want to say it all in one breath, all these things happened this year so far:

Icameoutoftheclosetgotajobgotmyfirstapartmentwenttosan-franciscodatedsomeboyslayedbythepoolhadanartshowand-soldtwopiecesdatedsomemoreboyslostmyjobwas-unemployedsoldmyleasemovedinwithrachelgotdepressed-gotajobinutahmovedgotnotdepressedgotanotherapartment-datedsomemoreboysdecoratedmyapartmentwaspoorbut-

happywenttolasvegasandsawu2omgbestbandevermetsome-richpeoplewhowerereallyniceandpartiedlikeoneshould-doinlasvegasinventedadeliciouscocktailstartedworkingout-andjusthadtoshoweveryonemybicepsandomgsoglad2009-isalmostoveritwasgoodbutreallycrazyomgomgomg.

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, wow, Nick, that's a lot of things to say in one breath!" My response to you is, "OMG, you're not the one who had to say it."

But seriously, the year 2009 has been the craziest, most unbelievable year for me. And in case you didn't read that part above, here's a recap for you. And trust me, there will be no shortage of acronyms here. OMG, WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT.

Remember when I spent the first half of the year in Idaho Effing Falls, Effing Idaho? Remember how I came out of the closet while living in Idaho Falls, Idaho? You don't remember? Well, I did, OK? And I'm going to throw away the piece of humble pie that you all want me to eat and say DAMN COMING OUT IS A BITCH and OMG I'M HELLA PROUD OF MYSELF.

But life wasn't all bad. Loved my job, my coworkers, made some faboo friends, got to see my old friends all the time, endured hopefully my last Idaho winter, dated every gay boy in Idaho Falls, I'm pretty sure. Grew up a lot, too. Oh and don't forget about Karaoke and the Unitarians. I love me the UUs.

My stint in Idaho Falls ended when I lost my job, was ineligible for unemployment then moved in with Rachel, her husband and her two kids for six weeks or so. My friend Kristina (OMG bless her soul forever and ever) told me that her company was hiring. After three trips to utah in a week and a half, I had a job and an apartment and a new life ahead of me.

I met some people through my friend Lessie here in SLC and we became fast friends. THX BE TO THEM for being the best ever and inviting me to everything and letting me be a part of their group. And I love my job and my coworkers. They're nice and we exercise together. So I've started eating right and getting buff. And sexy. And stuff. I had a gut, but now I don't. And life just flows along. And I'm happy. OMG am I happy. 2009, you were a bitch, for sure. I won't forget you anytime soon.

Love,

Nick

Snapshots from my life in the last few days.

Saturday night: "Come down here right now!" I shouted to Rachel. Immediately, the funk I was in was over. It was like I had done some very powerful drugs.

Rachel must have been in a panic, and immediately ran downstairs. "I got an offer!" I continued, conscious of the sleeping children. Rachel smiled while I danced around like a weirdo, hugged her, and generally basked in the fact that my life was going to change.

Later Saturday night: How interesting. On the night I find out I'm moving from Idaho, I end up on a date with an adorable boy. Sigh. Of course I did.

Even later Saturday night: The happiness that was immediately injected into my system a few hours earlier left me almost entirely unable to sleep. I achieved a whopping two hours of sleep. Over and over again, I went from lying there with my mind rushing through thoughts of where I was going to live, my new responsibilities, etc., to clutching my knees and giggling like an imbecile, so happy that i was finally leaving Idaho.

Sunday morning: I went to church, where I lit a candle and announced, "It's been wonderful to be here in Idaho Falls during such a defining time in my life, but now I'm moving to Salt Lake City." Coffee hour was filled with friendly goodbyes.

Sunday afternoon: Caught a very quick nap. Certainly not long enough to catch up on sleep.

Later Sunday afternoon: Helped Rachel prepare for dinner guests. We ate a delightful dinner, then I couldn't handle the stress of new people in my sleep-deprived state. So I watched the baby in the living room for a while then crashed for a two-hour nap. The dinner guests wondered where I went.

Now: I think I'm pretty much caught up on the sleep I missed. I'm in a rush to get everything done before I start my new job on August 5. Very exciting, my friends, very exciting.

A short description of my type of humor.