In 2010...

Last night I was getting ready for a party to bring in the new year with friends (which was FAB, btw), and I was thinking about 2010. I started to get sad and wonder what I had done in 2010 that was worthwhile. I couldn't think of anything. "Has my life this year been dedicated to work, alone? Haven't I spent this year doing anything meaningful beyond a paycheck?"

Then I started to think. 2010 has been pretty amazing, actually. Nothing like I would have expected. But wow. What. A. Year.

1. I exercised consistently for the entire year. This is a phenomenal achievement. I have never exercised consistently ever in my life. And here, I did it all year long.

2. I made an "It Gets Better" video that ended up getting over 50,000 views on YouTube. The video led to interviews with the LA times and the Associated Press. Now my video has been transcribed and will be published in a collection by Penguin.

3. I was a member of the committee that organized the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk For Life. Truly rewarding.

4. I designed t-shirts for UAF, and saw tons of UAF volunteers wearing and marching in them during SLC's Gay Pride. This was my first Pride.

5. I found a new passion in making cocktails.

6. I went to Boston for a week.

7. I ran a 10k.

8. I joined the Salt Lake Men's Choir.

Yeah, 2010 was pretty much amazing. I'm so lucky.

We are the people of this bus!

Growing up, our afternoon bus driver, Lynette, would politely pull over and let cars pass our slow school bus on the long stretch of two-lane highway that led to our country homes.

Naturally, this OUTRAGED us.

I mean, our lives were important! We had after-school cartoons to watch. We had chores to do, and god-dammit, we had times tables to memorize! We were the proletariat of this society! They should be letting US pass THEM!

We were the kids who got on the bus first in the morning, and last in the afternoon. We were veritable martyrs.

We'd whisper: "She's such a terrible driver! It's not even legal to let people pass you like this! She's putting us in danger!"

Then Lynette became our morning school bus driver, too. OH THE OPPRESSION! I mean, Oh My God, she would HONK THE HORN in the morning when we weren't out waiting. How hateful.

Somehow our collective outrage never developed past pre-teen angst.

If it would have, we would have picketed, refusing to board the bus until our demands to be home earlier were met! We would not rest until the 7:15 horn remained in patient silence!

The outrage we felt was laughable. Times certainly change. So do people. So did I.

The other night I read my friend Kristen's tweet about the protest at Temple Square about Boyd K. Packer's general conference remarks. I had read his talk and was naturally upset. There was only 30 minutes left of the protest (15 minutes of which would be spent driving downtown). But I decided I needed to be there.

Twenty-five minutes later I was running through downtown. Parking was scarce because of the protest. I had parked five blocks away. My full-speed run left me breathless, but I made it.

The protest was well-attended. And for the five-minutes I was there, I was happy to be doing what I was doing. Because God-dammit, I deserve my rights. And others deserve theirs, too. And nobody deserves to grow up in an environment where they are labeled "impure and unnatural."

As some of you know, my video "It Gets Better" has gotten quite the attention. I've had over 40,000 views on YouTube. I was interviewed by the LA Times and by the Associated Press.

And you know me... I LOVED the attention. But I also loved knowing that people were (are) watching my video.

I don't know what the point of this post is (except that this has been on my mind a lot). I guess I just want to say that it's nice to be a part of something that's bigger than me. It's nice to be working toward something that I know is right. And GOD, it's great to not have to ride the school bus.

I'm still pissed about all the Duck Tales I missed, though. That shit's irreparable.

It Gets Better

My response to Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project.

Nick's dating tips.

I've been going on a lot of first dates lately. And it's excruciating. OH THE AWKWARDITY!

So I've come up with a few simple tips to assuage the terribleness of first dates. Here we go.

1. Expect your date to be a hot mess. So when the date doesn't end with a broken drag heel, running mascara and crying in the gutter, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. Make a list of questions to ask beforehand. Here are some suggestions:

-Aren't I adorable?

-Will you pick up the tab?

-How does one know if they have Herpes, hypothetically?

-Wouldn't you rather get a makeover at the MAC counter?

3. If the date is going really well, delve into some deeper topics:

-Look at my ass in these jeans!

-Buy me another beer, you bitch!

-OK, so what's your hottest celeb sex fantasy? Dead or alive.

-What's your middle name?

4. And if the date is boring, you might try making a friend instead and asking some intellectual questions like:

-Do you have friends?

-Are any of them cute?

-Are any of them single?

-What are their numbers?

-Will you have sex with me?

5. If you don't know if the date is going well, you're in a tough spot. I find it effective to always assume the worst: That your date has four tongues, two of which are poisonous and scaly. And his tail will rip through his jeans at any moment while he screams, "HA! You're a fool! I'm really an alien lizard!"

6. Find out up front what the other person is looking for. So are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you just casually dating? Do you like sex toys?

7. And lastly but not leastly, be confident. You have nothing to hide. If someone falls in love with you, you want it to be because they love you for who you are. Besides, I already published all your deepest secrets to the Internet. And everyone already knows your hottest celeb sex fantasy is me.

Did I say that?

After my workout and shower today at the gym, it was just me and one other guy changing. When a person's phone went off in a locker nearby by playing "Your Love is my Drug," by Ke$ha, the other man said, "Wow, that's a pretty gay ringtone."

So I paused for a second, looked at him and said (to my own surprise!), "You know, that's offensive. I happen to be gay." So bold! So scary! So personal! So confrontational! So unlike me!

He muttered a half apology and we both dressed in AWKWARD silence. I rushed out of the locker room. Still staring at the floor, but so damn proud.

We're gonna getcha!

One of the most hilarious pieces of hate speech against gays is that the gays are infiltrating and taking over society.

I hear it, and I'm all, DUH!

My favorite quote from Glee between BFFs Mercedes (beautiful black woman) and Kurt (gay): "Mercedes is black, I'm gay: We make culture."

And I'm all, DUH!

You see, as my time passes as an out gay man it becomes easier and easier to spot other gays.

I express this to my friends. "The gays. They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE! THE GAYS! DO YOU HEAR ME!"

And they're all, DUH!

And so for the hell of it, and to prove my point DAMNIT, here are some stats from my very gay life.

6 people I knew at BYU-Idaho are now out-of-the closet gays. 4 of these I knew before I acknowledged that I was gay to myself.

I come from a tiny-ass town. And more specifically, a rural area outside of the small-ass town. And in my rural area, I can think of 6 confirmed homosexuals. And all within 10 years of my age.

61 men within 10 miles of me are currently on connexion.org, a favorite gay dating web site.

25,000 people who attended Utah Pride 2010. Of course, not all are gay. But that's still a lot.

3 people I served with on my mission are gay.

And in general, I see them everywhere. At the gym, at the grocery store, next to me in traffic. Everywhere.

Basically I just wanted to write and say if you hate gays, well, you'd best not. 'Cause we're out there. We're everywhere. We're infiltrating your literature! Your art! Your television! We'll make you miserable (your fault, not ours)!

Obviously. The gays? Oh, they're everywhere.

Ya'll been missing me?

I haven't updated in forevsies. Stream-of-conciousness awesomeness coming atcha. (This post is better if you read it in a fast-paced ADHD voice. Thank you.)

-Went to the Arts Fest. It was awesome. While leaving for afternoon cocktails at a nearby bar, a street preacher was yapping about how "I'm gay! Not homosexual! GAY MEANS HAPPY." Whatevs. He was weird. So I shouted and raised my hand, "I'm homosexual!" The line waiting to get in cheered. So proud of my 'lil moment.

-Shaved my head. Cut it all right off. Low maintenance hairstyle = amazing. PICTURE:

So yep, thats me looking oh-so-vogue sexy. Damn straight. Also note the tank top. I have purchased no less than 5 tank tops this summer. Couldn't be happier. Tank tops + no bed head ever = best summer ever.

-Got maself a clock radio. JK. Already had one.

-Injured... so no running. Outdid myself and made my knee hurt real bad on my 7.5 mile run. Now I can run an amazingly low 2 miles only without pain. Pissed, but lesson learned.

-But I did hire a personal trainer. He wants me to find a picture of what I want to look like when I'm done. Looked through no less than 1,327,451 pics online and finally found the one that was perfsies. HAWT man be me in 12 months or less.

-On the board for the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk for Life coming up in Sept. Can't wait. Them posters gonna be brills.

-Don't know what's with the Utah-preteen-gay-gangster-lol-catz talk. Srsly.

-Wuz on hotguysreadingbooks. With this fab pic:

Thanks be to my coworker K-W whom I love, for the picture.

-Summer is here and parties galore. Not that they weren't before. But now our parties have tiki torches. And I burned my hand on one cause I didn't know what I was doing, but now I know so ask me anything about tiki torches.

-Wish I could quit my job and ride my bike around the world. Just live like the little hipster that lives inside me but with more space and less guts. I'd play my uke at liberty park, but in my dreams there would be no oil spill. And I would have a better singing voice.

-Or I'd go to summer camp.

-Wish I was funny like this bitch. Watch out for that F-bomb straight up at the front.

-But I am funny. Was makin' everyone bust a gut at a recent party. A few quotes that were gems:

"Goddamnit! Guacomole and genocide!"

"What are you doing?" "Oh you know, just weaving placenta."

I know, you don't get it. I don't care, it's funnier this way. Promises promises.

-OMG watched "Funny Girl" for the first time. Love that Babs. She's the prettiest. AND, Carrie Bradshaw? I got news for you honey, you stole your moves straight up from that fine Jewish specimen. Guaranteed. I can just see Miss Jessica Parker (wish I could hate her) watching "Funny Girl" and stealin' every mannerism. Whatever.

-Just living the summer of love and amazingness here in SoSaLa (South Salt Lake, duh).

-Misses and kisses to you all.

Well isn't that just lovely...

So many wonderful things about my life lately. I'd like to share them with you.

For those of you who don't know, I moved into my friend Blake's townhouse. It's much cheaper here, and it's a financially responsible decision for me. I carpool with my coworker, and it's nice to have people at home from time to time. One of my favorite things about living here so far has been the garden. Blake doesn't have a lot of desire to garden, so he's allowed me to plant whatever I want. Here's what's in my garden:

Strawberries. These were here before Blake moved in, so I trimmed them back, and they've produced many small, but delicious berries this year.

The Geraniums are out of control!

And other various flowers. I've got some Cosmos, some Zinnias, some Impatiens. Some other stuff that I cannot name. Because I forgot what it's all called.

Also, I just had my first Pride. It was so totally, unbelievably brilliant and rewarding. I marched with the Utah AIDS Foundation. This organization is run by such great people, and it was (and is!) a privilege to be involved with them.

Blake marched with us too. Blake is one of the good ones. It was his job to carry the rainbow flag, and he carried it so proudly. There were a few moments where I watched him, saw the pure happiness and pride in his face and nearly burst into tears. It was amazing. The look on his face expressed how I was feeling inside. So damn proud to be me.

These are some of the most brilliant, amazing people I know. Some of my best friends who marched with me. (L-R: Lydia, Blake, Denice, and me). I'm crying a little, just looking at this picture.

I've also been training for a half marathon. I'm not sure which, but my drive to be fit has never been more. Since I'm running about 6-7 miles right now, I decided to run the Pride 5k. A local photographer took this AMAZING picture of me. I was proud of my time (26:20), and Denice and Blake were there to cheer me on. Amazeballs friends. Just amazeballs.

Also, there's been this great boy lately, Danny. We've had a lot of fun over the last month or so. Problem is, he's moving back to D.C. (He was here on temporary assignment). I knew he'd be leaving all along, so it's no surprise, but I'll be sad to see him go. But he's just been one more thing to top off the greatness in my life right now.

What I believe, and how it has changed my life. Part 1.

OK, so coming out this, coming out that. I know, I know. It's all I talk about. Whatever.

Coming out for me was not just telling the world I was gay, it was re-examining everything I believed, why I believed it, and changing the things that just didn't make sense anymore. So I'm thinking this might be some sort of series -- but I'm lazy and rarely complete series. So. Anyway. Yeah. There's a lot of these swimming around in my head. Here's the first.

What I used to believe: That there was one true path to God. One way to happiness. That God wants us to be one, big, homogenized family.

What I believe now: Well, I don't believe that God exists. But I believe that if he does exist, he made us all the way we are. I believe that if he exists, he loves the Andy Warhols as much as he loves ... Glen Beck? Maybe? I believe that happiness is found by expressing your personal freedoms. I believe that we are damn lucky if we get to discover who we really are, deep down, in this life. Even luckier if we have the opportunity to express it. I believe that one should not do harm to others or the earth. But I do not believe in sin.

How it affects my life: I don't worry about fitting into an imaginary mold anymore. I focus on being me, doing what brings me happiness and doing what I think will help individual humans and humanity as a whole. Life has become somewhat of an experiment for me. I'm not afraid of messing up anymore. I'm not worried about being on the right path.

Instead, I try to be happy. I try to be me. And I try to let/help others do the same thing.

Cheers, bitches.

Run your very own gay 10k!

'Cause I'm not a quitter.

OK, OK, I'm a quitter. It's not that I'm lazy, it's that I get bored easily. But I do recognize that I lack motivation to finish things. My house is full of half-finished art projects. And my brain is even fuller of ideas I've never brought to fruition.

Since college, I've had few, if any, goals. But now I'm on the cusp of completing a big one. Next weekend my coworker and I are traveling to St. George to run a 10k. In my training, I've run further than I ever have before. But I've wanted to quit. I've wanted to quit so bad. The long runs are agonizing, painful, and sometimes just plain boring.

But I'm going to stick with it. Tomorrow is my last run before the big race. And even though it feels like my calves are never going to stop hurting, I remember that I'm trying to be a finisher. At the very least, a not-quitter. Wait, that's the same thing, isn't it?

Welcome to my world.

A spelling lesson, sort of.

Now with more choppy editing!

My first video blog.

Onehelluvayear

Today at work my coworkers and I were discussing the approaching new year. After the discussion, I thought about 2009. HOLY SHIT. It's been a crazy one.

Just cause I want to say it all in one breath, all these things happened this year so far:

Icameoutoftheclosetgotajobgotmyfirstapartmentwenttosan-franciscodatedsomeboyslayedbythepoolhadanartshowand-soldtwopiecesdatedsomemoreboyslostmyjobwas-unemployedsoldmyleasemovedinwithrachelgotdepressed-gotajobinutahmovedgotnotdepressedgotanotherapartment-datedsomemoreboysdecoratedmyapartmentwaspoorbut-

happywenttolasvegasandsawu2omgbestbandevermetsome-richpeoplewhowerereallyniceandpartiedlikeoneshould-doinlasvegasinventedadeliciouscocktailstartedworkingout-andjusthadtoshoweveryonemybicepsandomgsoglad2009-isalmostoveritwasgoodbutreallycrazyomgomgomg.

I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, wow, Nick, that's a lot of things to say in one breath!" My response to you is, "OMG, you're not the one who had to say it."

But seriously, the year 2009 has been the craziest, most unbelievable year for me. And in case you didn't read that part above, here's a recap for you. And trust me, there will be no shortage of acronyms here. OMG, WHY WOULD I EVER DO THAT.

Remember when I spent the first half of the year in Idaho Effing Falls, Effing Idaho? Remember how I came out of the closet while living in Idaho Falls, Idaho? You don't remember? Well, I did, OK? And I'm going to throw away the piece of humble pie that you all want me to eat and say DAMN COMING OUT IS A BITCH and OMG I'M HELLA PROUD OF MYSELF.

But life wasn't all bad. Loved my job, my coworkers, made some faboo friends, got to see my old friends all the time, endured hopefully my last Idaho winter, dated every gay boy in Idaho Falls, I'm pretty sure. Grew up a lot, too. Oh and don't forget about Karaoke and the Unitarians. I love me the UUs.

My stint in Idaho Falls ended when I lost my job, was ineligible for unemployment then moved in with Rachel, her husband and her two kids for six weeks or so. My friend Kristina (OMG bless her soul forever and ever) told me that her company was hiring. After three trips to utah in a week and a half, I had a job and an apartment and a new life ahead of me.

I met some people through my friend Lessie here in SLC and we became fast friends. THX BE TO THEM for being the best ever and inviting me to everything and letting me be a part of their group. And I love my job and my coworkers. They're nice and we exercise together. So I've started eating right and getting buff. And sexy. And stuff. I had a gut, but now I don't. And life just flows along. And I'm happy. OMG am I happy. 2009, you were a bitch, for sure. I won't forget you anytime soon.

Love,

Nick

Ode to my bestie.

I've tried to write this post a thousand and one times. And every time, it doesn't measure up. Still, this one doesn't. But here goes anyway...

During Summer 2007, after another failed attempt at a relationship with a girl, I decided to tell my best friend Rachel that I was gay. I arranged one of our common walks to the Woodville Cemetery. "I'm gay," I said.

"I know." She held my arm as I squinted toward the sun and began to cry.

We continued walking, sat down in the tall grass by the canal bank and talked. This began the dialogue that would last nearly a year. We discussed my desire to stay in the Mormon church, to have an "eternal family." To avoid the "gay lifestyle."

Here's the thing about Rachel. She knew more about what it meant to be gay than I did at the time. She had always been attuned to things of the gays. She was well read on the subject, and even frequented several gay Mormon blogs.

I asked her, "Do you think I'll be able to marry a woman?" She was frank, and told me that it would be difficult to find a woman who would be willing to do so. And that the chances of such a marriage working out would be very slim. She led me to a lot of literature on the subject.

I soon latched onto several blogs, and found a vast, interconnected web of blogs that helped me understand that I certainly was not alone. My struggle was much more common than I had thought. I would spend hours and hours reading posts and emailing many to Rachel saying, "THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!"

I've had several therapists in my life. Rachel is the best one by far. You see, we had a tradition. I would get sad, call her, then we'd bake together. Sometimes we'd talk about what was making me sad, sometimes we wouldn't. We'd bake, or walk to the cemetery, and I'd always feel better afterward.

Rachel was there as stagnated, as I grew, and as (a year after I came out to her) I fell in love for the first time. She giggled with me as I talked about how BF and I cuddled. Her eyes sparkled when I told her about the freedom I finally felt. And she made me homemade lemonade when it all ended.

Later, she was on standby when I came out to my parents. As soon as I could, I drove my car to her house, and I cried as she held me. When the tears stopped, she gave me a glass of water and leftovers. She didn't say much, she was just there. Just like she always was. She was there when I needed her.

Now, Rachel tries to keep track of the boys I'm dating. She usually remembers their names. And she asks about them. This means so much to me. Now she lives in Idaho and I live in Utah. But we talk on the phone, and when we do the conversation is sometimes lively, sometimes serious. But always she's there for me. And I hope I'm there for her, too.

Rachel is my truest friend. She is singular for me. I'll never be able to describe what she did and does for me. I'd not be here without her.

How's Utah?

So now that it's been a month since I've lived in Utah (and a month since I've posted), I'm kinda settled in. And I'm pleased to say that things are pretty damn great. I'll talk about those, but I'll also talk about some negative things. Some things that I need to say.

-I love my job. It's a great combination of editing, managing content and graphic design (all of which I love). It's busy, and we're always up against one deadline or another (or another, and another). But it's exciting, and I'm learning a lot. Best of all I have great co-workers. I knew I'd get along with them as soon as they laughed at my first joke. I'm a sucker for a person who laughs at my jokes.

-It's great to be so close to Miss Bates. She's so great, and it's practically a necessity for me to see her once a week. In fact, we've established "BFF night" every Wednesday night. One week she comes to downtown, the next, I go to Sandy. It's a delight. Truly wonderful.

-My apartment is so delightful. I really love having my own place and I LOVE the neighborhood. Seriously, so great. On the weekends I pretend I'm a real city person (and don't commute a half hour into the suburbs every day) and try to park my car and walk a lot. Everything is in walking distance. The grocery store is two blocks away, the library is five or six. Downtown is maybe five.

-I'm making new friends all the time. Most of the people I've met are through Sean and Craig, who have been delightful people to have around. We cook, we drink, we karaoke. We generally have a good time.

-But not all is fun and games (most, but not all). Utah seems a much more political place than Idaho. And Salt Lake City is the capital. When I lived in Idaho, I felt like I was far away from Idaho politics. Things didn't sink in as much there. Like what, you ask? Like the fact that in Utah and Idaho it is legal for an employer to not hire or fire someone just because they are gay. More upsetting than not being able to marry, LGBT people here (and in Idaho) can GET FIRED FROM THEIR JOBS just for being gay.

-Also, I can see the top of the Church office building from my house, and I drive by Temple Square every day on the way to work. This is an interesting feeling. Something I used to hold dear is now something that fights against my basic human rights. Did I mention that in Utah it's legal for someone to FIRE ME FROM MY JOB because I'm gay?

-So I've been wanting to get involved. That's another great thing about Utah, is that there are ways to get involved everywhere. So we'll see where I end up. Any suggestions on places to volunteer?

Snapshots from my life in the last few days.

Saturday night: "Come down here right now!" I shouted to Rachel. Immediately, the funk I was in was over. It was like I had done some very powerful drugs.

Rachel must have been in a panic, and immediately ran downstairs. "I got an offer!" I continued, conscious of the sleeping children. Rachel smiled while I danced around like a weirdo, hugged her, and generally basked in the fact that my life was going to change.

Later Saturday night: How interesting. On the night I find out I'm moving from Idaho, I end up on a date with an adorable boy. Sigh. Of course I did.

Even later Saturday night: The happiness that was immediately injected into my system a few hours earlier left me almost entirely unable to sleep. I achieved a whopping two hours of sleep. Over and over again, I went from lying there with my mind rushing through thoughts of where I was going to live, my new responsibilities, etc., to clutching my knees and giggling like an imbecile, so happy that i was finally leaving Idaho.

Sunday morning: I went to church, where I lit a candle and announced, "It's been wonderful to be here in Idaho Falls during such a defining time in my life, but now I'm moving to Salt Lake City." Coffee hour was filled with friendly goodbyes.

Sunday afternoon: Caught a very quick nap. Certainly not long enough to catch up on sleep.

Later Sunday afternoon: Helped Rachel prepare for dinner guests. We ate a delightful dinner, then I couldn't handle the stress of new people in my sleep-deprived state. So I watched the baby in the living room for a while then crashed for a two-hour nap. The dinner guests wondered where I went.

Now: I think I'm pretty much caught up on the sleep I missed. I'm in a rush to get everything done before I start my new job on August 5. Very exciting, my friends, very exciting.

Because we've gotta give them hope.

I love this speech by Harvey Milk. I watch it and almost always cry.

Last night, my friends and I watched part of "Equality U," a documentary about Soulforce's equality ride to universities across the country. There's a part where a girl name Pam talks about how important it is for the members of the ride to get arrested for trespassing on private universities' property.

Important because if one person knew that there were people out there who would do something like that for a gay person, then it would give them hope.

I remember being a BYU-Idaho student and constantly Googling "Gay Mormon," or "BYU-Idaho gay." All I needed to know was that one person on that campus was also gay, also struggling.

So here I am, spouting out keyword-rich content so maybe a gay student at BYU-Idaho will read my blog.

Part of why I came out so publicly and so quickly on the Internet was because suddenly coming out wasn't just about me. It was about every student at BYU-Idaho just like me. It was about the 16-year-old gay kid from Shelley, Idaho. It was about making an impression on one person, that they are OK. That they are a person of value, that they are not sinful, and that their love, whoever it is directed toward, is beautiful.