It Gets Better

My response to Dan Savage's It Gets Better Project.

The LOVELIEST Libation

Dear HF,

OMG, I love a Gin and Tonic. There's nothing more refreshing or soothing. LOL!

I recently stumbled upon this recipe for Gin and Tonic sorbet and like, got soooo excited! ROFL!

So I made it. And now I have the recipe perfected to my own standards. And OH MY, God, have you got to try this. Of course, I just needed to double the recipe and add more gin. That's sooo me, amiright!?

So HF, thanks againsies for this fab drinkie,

Amen.

RECIPE:

2 c. simple syrup

5 c. tonic water

1 c. lime juice

1 1/2 c. gin*

*I like New Amsterdam gin. It comes in a pretty bottle, is good quality and is pretty inexpensive.

So easy, just throw it all in your ice cream maker and freeze it. It takes a little longer than ice cream would, b/c of the alcohol and all, but it's well worth the wait.

You can also garnish with lime zest and/or a lime wedge. This only matters on the first round. After that, nobody will care.

Nick's dating tips.

I've been going on a lot of first dates lately. And it's excruciating. OH THE AWKWARDITY!

So I've come up with a few simple tips to assuage the terribleness of first dates. Here we go.

1. Expect your date to be a hot mess. So when the date doesn't end with a broken drag heel, running mascara and crying in the gutter, you'll be pleasantly surprised.

2. Make a list of questions to ask beforehand. Here are some suggestions:

-Aren't I adorable?

-Will you pick up the tab?

-How does one know if they have Herpes, hypothetically?

-Wouldn't you rather get a makeover at the MAC counter?

3. If the date is going really well, delve into some deeper topics:

-Look at my ass in these jeans!

-Buy me another beer, you bitch!

-OK, so what's your hottest celeb sex fantasy? Dead or alive.

-What's your middle name?

4. And if the date is boring, you might try making a friend instead and asking some intellectual questions like:

-Do you have friends?

-Are any of them cute?

-Are any of them single?

-What are their numbers?

-Will you have sex with me?

5. If you don't know if the date is going well, you're in a tough spot. I find it effective to always assume the worst: That your date has four tongues, two of which are poisonous and scaly. And his tail will rip through his jeans at any moment while he screams, "HA! You're a fool! I'm really an alien lizard!"

6. Find out up front what the other person is looking for. So are you looking for a serious relationship? Are you just casually dating? Do you like sex toys?

7. And lastly but not leastly, be confident. You have nothing to hide. If someone falls in love with you, you want it to be because they love you for who you are. Besides, I already published all your deepest secrets to the Internet. And everyone already knows your hottest celeb sex fantasy is me.

Watch this, you won't regret it.

"I also have shoes and, uh a face, so I like that about myself. And I like myself and I have a lot of other great qualities as well."

Did I say that?

After my workout and shower today at the gym, it was just me and one other guy changing. When a person's phone went off in a locker nearby by playing "Your Love is my Drug," by Ke$ha, the other man said, "Wow, that's a pretty gay ringtone."

So I paused for a second, looked at him and said (to my own surprise!), "You know, that's offensive. I happen to be gay." So bold! So scary! So personal! So confrontational! So unlike me!

He muttered a half apology and we both dressed in AWKWARD silence. I rushed out of the locker room. Still staring at the floor, but so damn proud.

We're gonna getcha!

One of the most hilarious pieces of hate speech against gays is that the gays are infiltrating and taking over society.

I hear it, and I'm all, DUH!

My favorite quote from Glee between BFFs Mercedes (beautiful black woman) and Kurt (gay): "Mercedes is black, I'm gay: We make culture."

And I'm all, DUH!

You see, as my time passes as an out gay man it becomes easier and easier to spot other gays.

I express this to my friends. "The gays. They're everywhere! EVERYWHERE! THE GAYS! DO YOU HEAR ME!"

And they're all, DUH!

And so for the hell of it, and to prove my point DAMNIT, here are some stats from my very gay life.

6 people I knew at BYU-Idaho are now out-of-the closet gays. 4 of these I knew before I acknowledged that I was gay to myself.

I come from a tiny-ass town. And more specifically, a rural area outside of the small-ass town. And in my rural area, I can think of 6 confirmed homosexuals. And all within 10 years of my age.

61 men within 10 miles of me are currently on connexion.org, a favorite gay dating web site.

25,000 people who attended Utah Pride 2010. Of course, not all are gay. But that's still a lot.

3 people I served with on my mission are gay.

And in general, I see them everywhere. At the gym, at the grocery store, next to me in traffic. Everywhere.

Basically I just wanted to write and say if you hate gays, well, you'd best not. 'Cause we're out there. We're everywhere. We're infiltrating your literature! Your art! Your television! We'll make you miserable (your fault, not ours)!

Obviously. The gays? Oh, they're everywhere.

Ya'll been missing me?

I haven't updated in forevsies. Stream-of-conciousness awesomeness coming atcha. (This post is better if you read it in a fast-paced ADHD voice. Thank you.)

-Went to the Arts Fest. It was awesome. While leaving for afternoon cocktails at a nearby bar, a street preacher was yapping about how "I'm gay! Not homosexual! GAY MEANS HAPPY." Whatevs. He was weird. So I shouted and raised my hand, "I'm homosexual!" The line waiting to get in cheered. So proud of my 'lil moment.

-Shaved my head. Cut it all right off. Low maintenance hairstyle = amazing. PICTURE:

So yep, thats me looking oh-so-vogue sexy. Damn straight. Also note the tank top. I have purchased no less than 5 tank tops this summer. Couldn't be happier. Tank tops + no bed head ever = best summer ever.

-Got maself a clock radio. JK. Already had one.

-Injured... so no running. Outdid myself and made my knee hurt real bad on my 7.5 mile run. Now I can run an amazingly low 2 miles only without pain. Pissed, but lesson learned.

-But I did hire a personal trainer. He wants me to find a picture of what I want to look like when I'm done. Looked through no less than 1,327,451 pics online and finally found the one that was perfsies. HAWT man be me in 12 months or less.

-On the board for the Utah AIDS Foundation's Walk for Life coming up in Sept. Can't wait. Them posters gonna be brills.

-Don't know what's with the Utah-preteen-gay-gangster-lol-catz talk. Srsly.

-Wuz on hotguysreadingbooks. With this fab pic:

Thanks be to my coworker K-W whom I love, for the picture.

-Summer is here and parties galore. Not that they weren't before. But now our parties have tiki torches. And I burned my hand on one cause I didn't know what I was doing, but now I know so ask me anything about tiki torches.

-Wish I could quit my job and ride my bike around the world. Just live like the little hipster that lives inside me but with more space and less guts. I'd play my uke at liberty park, but in my dreams there would be no oil spill. And I would have a better singing voice.

-Or I'd go to summer camp.

-Wish I was funny like this bitch. Watch out for that F-bomb straight up at the front.

-But I am funny. Was makin' everyone bust a gut at a recent party. A few quotes that were gems:

"Goddamnit! Guacomole and genocide!"

"What are you doing?" "Oh you know, just weaving placenta."

I know, you don't get it. I don't care, it's funnier this way. Promises promises.

-OMG watched "Funny Girl" for the first time. Love that Babs. She's the prettiest. AND, Carrie Bradshaw? I got news for you honey, you stole your moves straight up from that fine Jewish specimen. Guaranteed. I can just see Miss Jessica Parker (wish I could hate her) watching "Funny Girl" and stealin' every mannerism. Whatever.

-Just living the summer of love and amazingness here in SoSaLa (South Salt Lake, duh).

-Misses and kisses to you all.